Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Ignorance: Not An Acceptable Excuse

I was and probably still am an ignorant racist.  I was born into it simply because I am white and was raised in a small, rural, predominantly white town.  Race was not discussed at home or in school.  I truly thought racism (and sexism, for that matter) was over.  We had come out on the other side and everyone was happy.  My fights were for the environment and religious freedom…the freedom to not be a Christian.  That was (and still is) intolerable in my hometown. 

There is no excuse for ignorant racism. Especially in 2017. You know, you just don't know how.

Many of the white people I know are not racists, overtly, and they may even think they are open minded and love everyone.  Well, it's easy to say that, it's hard to act on it, and if you've never been tested, how do you know what you are really made of? How do you know your true inner workings?  How do you know where your weaknesses and strengths are?  God says faith is stronger and more real after it's been through the forge (or something, I'm not up on my Bible), but basically, to have faith in God that is strong and worked through and hammered out and understood completely by you, your faith must be tested.  So, if you grow up white, and live white, how do you know what racism is if you've never seen it?  How do you know you are not racist if you've never been called out on it?

My entire time working at a American Indian non-profit was a test of my ignorant, ingrained racism and classism and sexisms.  Now, I worked for the Indians, but I worked in the office with white people and one amazing Puerto Rican woman, who had the patience of a saint to walk me through my journey.  Without her, I'd be a bigger idiot than I am now with tightly shut eyes.

One of my first months there, we had a staff meeting and it was brought up that a certain topic/phrase (I honestly can't remember) shouldn't be said or discussed.  I asked why, and my director and indirect director* both looked uncomfortable.  They said because it's wrong.  And I kept asking why because I need to understand something in order to change, and I need to understand something in order to not make that mistake or one like it.  The more I asked why, the more irritated and mad they got and the more they refused to answer me.  Finally, I had to say that I agreed with them, but I didn't understand!  Why should I do as they say, if they don’t' even know why?  Finally, the only non-white person in the room, my Puerto Rican friend (but not yet, I was still too new) said "Because it's insensitive." 

Insensitive.  I had never heard that before in my white life.  I didn't immediately understand, but I thought about it for years and I still think about it.  I ask, "How are my actions insensitive to the struggles of others?"  How are my words insensitive to the lives and experiences of those different than me?

I want to treat people like how I want to be treated.  I do not think we discuss this enough in school, in Bible studies, in homes.  It does not mean "be nice!", it means treat people with respect and be empathetic to their needs, desires, hurts, pains.  Wouldn't you love it if everyone you met treated you with respect and empathy?  That's what God means when xi made that the most important commandment.  Respect yourself and respect others.

God it took me 32 yrs to figure that one out.

*Do you know why I had an indirect director? Because my director was a woman, so the man had to indirectly do her job for her.  Not even exaggerating here.  She let him because it's easier sometimes to be supported by a man, even if it's wrong and unhealthy.  But this is for another day.

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Goal check in

Goal Check in:

1.  Brushing and flossing are going well.  Lilly went to the dentists for the first time, so now I've got her in that 6 month cycle.
2.  I have tried but still need to work on my exersice and getting into the tamarac.  It's frustrating b/c the times that are best to go are the weekends and they have funny childcare hours then that do not work for us.  I suppose I have to change to get to the tamarac.
3.  Eating vegetables is happening.  I am having spinach at lunch and so is josh.  I'm workign to get him a veggie in his lunch too as a snack.  THis week has been hard, I was really tired, so not much is getting done that is helpful.
4.  Taxes are done but need to be mailed out.
5.  I'm still working on my planner, but it's slow going.  I just got my daily pages to print out correctly.  about 100 sheets later.  I love my printer.  It makes me get more exersize too b/c I have to go downstairs to get what I printed out.
6.  Knitting is slow going, but I can't wait to start my next project.  I want to do something big.  But I think I will do some socks for Val first.  THat's really important to me.  Socks don't take a long time if they are simple.

I have been doing my taxes 10 min a day until they are done.  It's frustrating b/c I just want to keep going, but I can't. 

Monday, February 6, 2017

The Best Bits


Two or three days ago, Lilly found a candy cane she had left in the bathroom two or three days before that.  She opened it by breaking it #not my child, and yesterday I found the broken off piece in Damian's daytime rocker bed.

Today, they both woke up at 6:30.  It's like they are telepathic and plan it.  I'm not going to complain though, Damian truly slept through the night.

Last night was my favorite Superbowl party ever of all time.  We ate leftovers in front of the tv for dinner, then we all cuddled on the couch until the kids fell asleep.  My team lost, but that's okay.  It wasn't my team until yesterday when I was forced to choose one and I can't choose the Patriots.  Obviously.  Tom Brady and Mathew Stafford look the same when their helmets are on.  I think my favorite part was when two guys got their  helmets stuck together like teenagers with braces.

I was able to tell Josh about my favorite play (football play) and wish the Falcons would do it.  He didn't know what I was talking about, so I showed him this video:

For the first time ever, I knew more about football than Josh.  I can't remember how I know about this though.

My coffee is so warm and delicious this morning.

Today I want to work more on my planner pages, I want to help Lilly reorganize her room, I want to do her laundry, and I want to play with her.  I don't know what yet.  A game, art, or craft activity.

Mandy and Nick visited.  They were anxious/nervous about how Lilly plays with Damian, because she is so big and he is so little.  I used to be, but he finally grew up and got tougher than a newborn.  They don't know babies so well.  The next day Lilly played with her playdo and mixed ALL THE COLORS #notmychild.  Let me tell you, that is the most anxiety raising thing she can do.  Sometimes I have to leave the room and breath a little.

It's Monday.

Sometimes I wish Lilly was cuddly, but I think I'm glad she's not so much.  I only want to cuddle when I want to, and I don't know how I would do with a child that wants to cuddle all the time.  Right now, I bribe her with my phone.  If she sits next to me and cuddles me, then she can play my phone. I sleep the best sleeps of my life when that happens.

Damian and Lilly are the most beautiful babies I've ever seen.  I see other babies and they just don't compare at all.  I just don't know the truth though.  Are my babies that beautiful in real life, or am I biologically engineered to see my babies as that beautiful so that I love them and not reject them?  And I'm not asking for compliments on their looks bc people tell my constantly, like at least everyone I see at Bill's, every time I go, how beautiful they are, and I still don't know.  Maybe we are all engineered to think babies are beautiful, to keep the progeny safe.  Also, sometimes I wish I could go grocery shopping without all the interruptions from strangers talking about my kids looks.  If they must, say they are just so clever and smart and driven and tenacious and so on.

We were at a friend's house yesterday and they had a giant fat plastic Iron Man toy that the helmet flipped and there was space to hold a different doll, clearly, Tony Stark.  But upon discussion, I found out that it holds not a Tony Stark doll, but another smaller Iron Man doll.  I went with Iron-ception.  We told Josh and Josh went with the Turducken of Super Hero's. I was so proud that he immediately saw the humor in the toy and made an appropriate joke, just like I did.  I also tried my hardest to put Captain Barnacles in the large Iron Man, but he wouldn't fit.

That's Captain Barnacles.

I was watching a video of all his best bits and a creepy spider dropped down from the ceiling less than 5 feet away from me.  It had long spindly legs and it was letting them fly!  I stood up and couldn't find anything practical to destroy it with.  Then it crawled back up to the popcorn ceiling.  It was between me and the vacuum cleaner closet, but I braved and made it.  But then once the vacuum was plugged in and ready to go, I couldn't find the spider.  And I had been watching it the whole time!  It was the stupid popcorn ceiling, it's great at disguising spiders.  I finally found it and vacuumed it.  It was an overall terrifying experience.  Lilly was busy saying "Mom, I need someone to hold me" and I was all, "NO I need someone to hold ME!", and she didn't even know about the spider at that point.  I try hard not to show fear of spiders in front of her.  I don't want her to feel how I do about them.  I think she could feel my fear though.  Also, to my disappointment, she said she does not want the job of spider vacuumer someday.  She did give me good hugs and we held each other.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Goals Recap: Where Am I Now?

The point of writing goals, I'm thinking, is so that you can go back to them and remember them and in check in on them, and see where you are in the process of reaching them.  I have been depressed lately and adding to it is the fact that I feel that nothing is getting done in my life/house.  My goals are not even being met.  I tried to write new ones and it was a failure.  But then I was thinking, I already had a list! How am I doing on those. 

But they are written in days past on a blog.  Not the best place to put them. Heh.  I need a place in my journal/planner to write them down in.  Which, by the way, was a goal.  I'm still working on it too.  I have pages with important numbers on them printed and cut.  I have pages with some of my passwords typed up too, printed and cut.  My hole punch was not in my desk.  It's in a tub in lilly's room full of crafting stuff. I think.  So that was a barrier.

When I was in school and learning about goals for the first time, someone used the term road block.  Starting then and continuing until now, I always picture road blocks as actual blocks in the road that I must climb over when I am walking towards my goal. I think they forgot to include the comfy beds that entice you to lay down and sleep on next to the goal road.  Some are crappy cots, but some are some sweet ass glamping beds!

I made a spider idea chart for my planner.  It was the first time one of these charts worked perfectly as it should.  It helped me organize my thoughts and it was not confusing and did not leave me feeling like I did part of it wrong...or like i was using the wrong tool.  Lilly saw it and it blew her mind.  She then made me help her make one herself.  It's about making cards.

Other goals, like brushing teeth twice a day for me and my family, got trapped in an ugly cot on the side of the road.  Luckly, it wasn't too comfy, and i'm getting back up to continue the walk forward.  Things that trip this up:  Having to go somewhere in the morning by a certain time, not choosing the toothbrushing fight, forgetting, Josh being home and me not being as vigilant and assuming he'll remember.  But, on the flip side, Josh had a dentist appointment and the hygienist noticed that he has been flossing more!  So we have all been flossing more.  That is a lifetime goal finally coming to fruition. Lilly even likes flossing.

Other goals:  Veggies at every meal.  I bought lettuce and cleaned it, but I have not had a salad yet with it.  And it's been a few days. That's no good.  I did add carrots to the tortilla-less tortilla soup I made, so lilly got some carrots and broth.  Josh and I got a far greater variety of veggies.  We got celery, onions, pablanos, tomatoes, corn and no carrots.  Gotta save those for Lilly Bean.  I did buy a thing of baby spinach and have been putting that on our sandwiches and in our foods.  I don't know if we are getting a full serving each time, but some has got to be better than none.

You know what?  We hit road blocks in the veggie road because we've been out and about a bit more this week.  Well, first it was Josh's weekend to work three days in a row.  That was really really hard.  We had pizza on sunday night and i should have made broccoli to go with it, but I didn't.  Maybe if I cut up the broccoli when I got home, like I do the lettuce, we would eat it more.  Prep ahead of time.  Then after the weekend, we went to muskegon to visit family.  So that was a meal not at home.  The veggie was a big salad, but Lilly did not eat that.  I sure did and it was delicious!  The next day was a veggie and bean dinner that Lilly did not like.  Yes, I think prepping the broccoli in advance and the carrots will help with Lilly's veggie intake. 

Oh, screen time was another goal.  That is just okay.  That is a slow change, but one none the less.  It really is as easy and as hard as turning the tv off and keeping it off.  And hiding my phone.  It's just, the only time I can sit down and be alone is whne the tv or phone is on.  The only solution is to increase my work time and decrease my own screen time.  A rule I've been sticking too to decrease screen time is no tv after nap time until after Dah gets home.  Though sometimes it goes on at 6:00 because I just can't function any more at that point.  Having hte new media center to play music really really helps though.  I do like having the sound around.

My knitting is going slowly, but I want to knit knit knit knit knit knit!  I want to knit ALL THE THINGS!  So I am working at night, about an hour, while we watch LONGMIRE.  Say that in the deepest more drama filled voice you can. LONGMIIIIIIRE!  Its a show about a sherriff in a small town in nowhere Whyoming near Montana.  Next to an Indian Reservation.  The sheriff solves murder mysteries.  I think the first season was more dark and drama-y than the next seasons.  There are 5 seasons.  It's very good.  Longmire, the sheriff, is like a cool cowboy version of H from CSI:Miami.  Oh, I am knitting a lapblanket.  It is only ten stitches and I attach it to the edge of the previous stitches and knit around and around in a spiral to make it bigger.

I should do the dishes now.  A friend is visiting today to help me clean the basement!  I need to find out her foot size.  I want to knit her socks for her help.  This is the third time she has done this.  Handknit socks, I've decided are the gift to give people who have everything, or do not want anything.  Everyone wears socks and handknit socks are even better than the $20 smartwool ones.  I base the opinion off of my only pair of handknit socks I own vs my collection of $20 socks.  They aren't even professional quality or that amazing, as they were my first.  But they are warm and comfy in a way no other socks can be. 

Monday, January 30, 2017


Dah is here! 

After three long days, Josh finally has a day off.  He works 12 hr shifts, so they are looooong.  I don't know how single parents do it.  After a while, you just can't change another diaper or care to take pee pants off a toddler.  I suppose if there is no one else, you find the strength and you become stronger than I.  Also, they probably have to work, so a caretaker watches them for the 12 hr shift instead.  I bet that makes the job harder, in ways I don't know.

-I stopped writing.  I brought Lilly downstairs to visit Dah.  I gave her 3 pieces of candy and explained that she can NOT have a candy cane before breakfast.  I put a load of laundry in the washer but did not turn it on, we won't be home to move it to the dryer.  I took a load out of the dryer and brought it upstairs.-

Now I can't write.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Today is a little lacking.

My son is being entertained by a stuffed Totoro.  I'm so happy.

I have a third baby for the next three weeks.  He's larger than Damian and smaller than Lilly, has the personality of a grumpy old man and is covered in a ridiculous amount of orange and white fur.  It's ACKBAR! I know he prefers the woods and the outdoors, but he misses us and he enjoys his yearly winter visit to the city.

My mom sent me a disturbing text this morning.  She explained to Lilly that she can't let cats outside b/c cats can get hit by cars.  She asked Lilly what happens when a cat gets hit and Lilly goes "Squish".  My mom didn't explain what squish means, but texted me to let me know I should probably do it.  Thanks, mom.

I want to write about my visit from my sister in law or I want to write about resistance and nonviolence.  Science.  How Trump makes me feel sick in the heart.  How he is "wrong" like how the Uncanny Valley is 'Wrong" or clowns are "wrong". But I'm too tired for that. I'll just set out my goals:

1.  Make more phone calls to my representative
2.  Find out where Huisinga (my rep) eats lunch and when so the public can come talk to him, and then go talk to him.
3.  Continue on my planner/printables schemes.  So far, it's all crap.
4.  Clean the house more.
5.  Get rid of more stuff so that I don't feel so crazy in my own house b/c it's so cluttered.
6. Find the bumpo seat
7.  Go to the tamarac

This list turned into a goals list with a todo list.  That's no good.

Thursday, January 26, 2017

I Made A Mistake.

I am embarrassed.  On my last post I put said "Huevos Con Chorizo is Mexican for...."  That was a mistake.  It is Spanish for eggs and chorizo.  I am upset with myself.  I didn't even know I wrote it like that until the middle of the night I woke up and realized what I did.

My intent was not to be funny, sarcastic or culturally insensitive.

But life has taught me, intent doesn't mean anything.  Ignorance of the insensitivity doesn't mean anything. A simple mistake doesn't mean anything.

You make a mistake like that, no matter intent or ignorance, and you could get fired.  Knowing I made a public mistake like this brings back a lot of the terrible stomach feelings I would get at my old job.  A simple typo, a minute of letting my guard down, getting the name of a Tribe wrong by one word, would get me called into the boss's office and a long lecture.  Saying "no" and "I dont' know" also got me a long lecture on how I can't say those things.

Now Trump is president.


Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Breakfast For Dinner El Popular Style

Following, you are small.  Smaller than in the past, but still my Following, willing to do what I say and be under my influence.  Hhhmm...I used to be better at talking about how through you I would rule the world.  Growing up ruined my sarcasm I think...and my desire to rule the world.

Sometimes I despise Trump for being so exhausting.  Alternative facts, my ass.

I don't think that word means what you think it means.

Yesterday I thought I did good on my list of To-Do's I made.  Turns out, just so so.  I did not complete the laundry tasks.  All I was able to do was get Damian's clothes put away.  I still have Lilly's and ours.  I did not do any budget management either.  I still feel good about what I did though because I worked nonstop!  It takes hours to get me and Lilly dressed, constantly feed all of us.  Seriously.  By the time I finish our morning snack time (which is large because we do a tiny early breakfast), it's lunchtime.  Then, once that is done and cleaned up, it's time to start dinner.  Dinner tonight will be easier because we are eating sorta left overs from yesterday.

For dinner I made huevos con chorizo with a black bean sauce.  Huevos con chorizo is Spanish for Eggs with chorizo.  Chorizo is spicy Mexican sausage, and it's delicious!  The brand Bill's sells (SURPRISE! They actually sell it), is El Popular.  Josh and I laughed over that.  It's literally called The Popular Chorizo.  This is good for me though because once in Nashville I bought chorizo from a world grocery store (complete with giant totes of live fish) and it was gross.  It was slimy and made of pig cheeks and lips.  Too authentic for me.  Give me the El Popular brand any day.

This dinner was delicious and the black bean sauce was easy: Blend 2 cans of black beans with 2 Tbspn of pickled jalepeno juice and 2 Tbspn of the sauce in a chipotle in Adobo can, and one cup chicken broth.  Bam! Sauce.  I added some salt too.  Then you pour it on top of scrambled eggs and fried up chorizo on a corn tortilla.  Basically we had breakfast for dinner.  Tonight, all I have to do is make scrambled eggs again.

I've heard of Breakfast for Dinner but growing up I dont' think we had it, or if we did, it was only once or twice.  Same with Josh, so he says.  We have it quite often here.  Breakfast is easy to make, easy to add things too, and delicious when it's not breakfast time.  I do not like breakfast foods in the morning.  I only like deserts or yogurt in the morning.  Also, Lilly likes scrambled eggs, pancakes, toast, and cereal...and sometimes, why not just make what she'll eat?  I bought some baby spinach and I'm trying to work it into foods so we can get some leafy greens.  Josh doesn't like it on his sandwiches, but if I put a thin layer I tell him he can't taste it and to suck it up and eat it like a man.  It's for Health.

Here is today's ToDo list.  I'm not sure if I can manage as much, my headache is pretty bad this morning.

-put away Lilly's clothes
-fold one load of laundry
-go to tamarac
-call chiropractor
-do dishes
-feed family lunch, breakfast, dinner
-manage budget

Here is a list of things I want to do:
-vacuum the couch, specifically the dusty arms and top of it
-print out printables for my planner
-gather tax documents into one spot
-Do taxes

Now that I look at this, I think I might switch some things up on the lists.  We'll see.

Monday, January 23, 2017

Goals and To-Do's

It's a good thing I made waking up early a goal.  It's making it easier to accept that I know longer have a choice.  If one isn't wanting to nurse, the other one is getting up.  All morning, every 30 min or so from 5am.  Our monitor never worked well, and I think stopped working, so I can't nap on the couch and listen for Damian in the other room either.  I need to be awake and aware.  Maybe if he cried loud enough, but he doesn't.  Lilly made you take care of her with her loud demands.  I take care of Damian because I'm a good mom and choose too. I like to think he'd eventually get loud.

He does get loud, he just builds up to it.

I'm trying to print out my own planner and I want to use free printables.  It seems wonderful and easy until you get down to it.  I can't find the printable I want.  Then when I do, I can't get them to print in the size I want.  I want 1/2 letter size b/c that's what size my folder is.  I can't get it to print two per page.  Or I make my own because I want utility over fancy fonts, but I can't get it.
Here are a list of my Problems:
1.  I only work on it after 8pm when I'm exhuasted and braindead.
2.  None of the ones I find online are just a simple table for Name: Phone Number:  That's all I want.
3.  I made my own on Open Office Calc (Off brand excel) and since it's free, it lacks the finer formatting buttons.  OR I just don't know where they are.
4.  I format it but it thinks the pages of physical paper are half size and I can't figure out how to have it outline the page area so I know what size half page is AND print two per page.  My only work around is to cut the paper in half first and feed that into the printer.
5.  I wish I had publisher.
6.  I downloaded a nice font, just to see if I could, and I think it only went into Open Word and I can't get it in Open Calc.  The program I was using.

I would just do this on a large full page folder, but the half size works better.  It fits in the drawer I like to keep it in, and it fits on the table/desk better when I work.  I don't think I would have the space, or I would fight with it a lot if it was full size.

7.  Everyone in my house, including myself, smells like pee.

Here is today's Todo List:

-Put away everyone's clothes
-go to library or tamarac
-make a breakfast, lunch and dinner for everyone
-do the dishes
-fold more clothes
-budget management

I could probably add more, but why be unrealistic?  They say seven things is all a person should have on a list anyways.

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Woman's March Lansing

Yesterday was the Woman's March and I went with my family.  Well, we went to the one in Lansing, not Washington DC.  It was a very different experience.  I didn't know what to expect at all.  There were tons of people there and as we were driving in, we saw groups of people wearing pink pussy hats walking towards the capitol.  There were so many more people and hats than I ever imagined and I got teary eyed because so many people cared.  I guess I've just been feeling so alone, thinking only I and the Internet cared.

I finished my hat 10 min. before we got there.  Per usual with my knit hats, the ribbed band was much too large and stretchy.  I knew I should have used smaller needles for that part, I just didn't want to waste time looking for them, not having them, then having to go buy them, or be disappointment for "settling" for the regular size needles I used anyways.  Regardless, it was a perfect hat and it did it's job.

We parked on the top level of a parking garage because it was completely full and pulled out our new used double stroller.  I did not ask for this stroller, it was a surprise gift from the neighbors.  It literally showed up in my yard, so I put it in my garage.  This was our first time using it.  It worked perfectly for an event like this, as we walked to one spot and stayed there and Damian was comfortable and Lilly had a home base with table to run back to and sit down in.  The thing was giant and doesn't turn easily or go up and down steps at all.  Also, we can't fit anything else in our trunk but this monstrosity.

Since I had kids and a stroller, we mostly stood far back and not in the lawn in front of the Capitol Building.  It was so packed, I couldn't get to close when I tried either.  The grass was soaking wet and got very very muddy by the end of the day as well.

There were speeches and there were cheers and there were lots of different signs.  I wish Lilly had a sign so people could ooh and ahh over how adorable she is and make me feel good.  I'm a mother that brought her daughter to an important event for her.  There were lots of well behaved dogs there, but Lilly is afraid of dogs, so she was constantly vigilant.  I didn't hear any of what was spoken or see much up close.  There were too many people and the speakers didn't reach that far back.  Mostly we just sat and people watched.  I didn't expect that to be what happened.  The sun came out and it was warm.  I nursed Damian without a cover and without worrying if I was making people uncomfortable.  He basked in the sunlight.  It was his first sunlight since he was born and he LOVED it.  He was full and warm and a gentle breeze was blowing through his baby hair and he just closed his eyes and was at peace.

At the end, a drunk college girl came up and had this conversation with me about Damian (then in his stroller), also it took me a second to realize she was drunk, or something was wrong.

Her:  Is this your baby?  He is adorable!  A "he", right?
Me:  Yes.
Her to Damian:  You are going to be a handsome man.  Or you can be a woman ,that's okay too!
Her to me:  What's it's name?

What's IT"S name?!  That's when I realized she was either drunk or using "it's" as a genderless term.  She also told Damian to vote for a woman president when he is 18 and told Lilly to never vote for Trump.  She smelled funny, like tobacco unsmoked, and was drooly.  I saw brown flecks coming out of her mouth (chew maybe?) and she wiped it off with the palm of her hand and then immediately touched my children.  Once she left, I wiped them all down. 

Besides her, there were all the different people there.  Some crazy hippies, lots of families with kids Lilly's age running around, lots of dad's watching and carrying the small babies, lots of grandmothers, lots of college kids, and a group of college goths walking around chanting:  What is it? It's Clit!  I don't get the message, but okay.

Then, to top off a wonderful day, we found a Nashville Hot Chicken place to eat at!!!  I didn't even know they made them outside of Nashville.  We would give it a 7 out of 10, where 10 is the Hot Chicken place in Antioch that I love.  There were pictures of the city up all over the resteraunt, and they weren't the typical tourist pics.  There was one that showed the expressway going towards downtown.  I showed Lilly the batman building and told her she was born in Nashville and showed her the spot on the road that I puked.  She loved it.

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Well, I Tried

This morning I don't have much to say I guess.  Josh is home.  I'm eating my donut.  He found out my secret.  I buy 5 donuts.  One for him, one for Lilly, and 3 for me.  Okay, sometimes 2 for me and 2 for him.  When you buy the groceries you can get as many donuts as you want.

Today we are going to Lansing to march in the Woman's March for people who can't make it to DC.  I wish I could go to DC to march for this, but I have no money and a tiny baby.  Also, a big baby and a husband.  My hat I'm knitting for it is 2 inches short!  I'll totally finish it on time, then I just have to fold it in half and sew it up on the sides with yarn. Bam!  Pussy Hat.

I'm excited because Lilly and Damian are going.  In the future, as they grow up, we can tell them that they went to the march, and they can tell their kids, and so on.  I've always wished I knew more or was part of the activism of the 60's and 70's.

I wish I advocated and was an activist in my own life more too.  I guess starting at 30 yrs is better than not at all.  I'm still terrible at sticking up for myself.  I can do it with the doctor though.  It is my right for them to listen to me, I just have to go in with my points and questions written down, and I don't let them go or stop asking/talking until they pay attention and listen to me and have the conversation I want to have.  At times it's hard to do that, I once saw my Ob pull her thoughts and eyes in from what she was thinking about to actually stop and listen to me.  They WANT to have these conversations, they are required to, they are trained to but a busy life of people who don't push to have them gets the conversations pushed to the side.  But I learned if I don't stay on my toes and advocate for my own health, no one else will.

Protip:  Write your questions down, and when the nurse interviews you in the beginning, asking you your weight, taking your blood pressure, etc.  That is the time to list your concerns and conversation topics to the nurse.  She'll write them down and the doctor will look at that list and be sure to discuss them with you.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Knit Today

Today I'm going to knit at least 5 inches of stockinnette.  It should be easy, you'd think.  Yesterday I got about 4 inches, and three of them were in about 40 min.  So, I need two hours of knitting.  I don't know if i can get that.  I'm going to have to distract Lilly somehow.

I'm cutting down on screen time b/c that's a goal.  Yesterday we had MOPs in the morning (my mom's group), so we turned the tv off early.  Then I took a 1-2 hr nap (I'm not sure how long really) in the afternoon and Lilly played my phone and dug her feet into my back the entire time.  But I did not turn the tv on again until 6:15 because I could not do more.  Josh was getting home an hour late too b/c he had a work meeting.  That's about 4 hrs of screen time.  I've got ot get it down to one hour or less.  Sigh.

Right now my reasonable goals are turning the tv off by 8 am every day, and cutting out tv at night, or just 30 min of tv at night.  That gets me to 2.5 hrs or less, depending on when Lilly wakes up.  I dont' know what I'll do about naptime.  I need my nap.  Yesterday when Lilly was tired and still wanted the tv on, I read books to her instead.  She liked that.  So I imagine we will read a lot more books.  I can't really complain about that.  I would like ot get into the habit of reading her a long story  or a novel story at night instead of her tv show.  Wouldn't that be nice?  I just don't have energy left, especially if I don't get my nap!

Maybe I'll start putting her in her room for a few min at nap time and try to increase the time in her room each day.  Change is hard and it's extra hard when you are the one in charge of making hte change happen to an irrational person.  That's why boss's can't be friends with the underlings.

Other goals?  Maybe I'll go walk at the Tamarac today or maybe I'll go walk with my mom.

My coffee is gone.  My baby is crying (the bigger one, the little one doesn't).  Knitting is calling.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

just thoughts

I don't have much to write about right now.  It's early.  Lilly had a fever again yesterday.  We decided to give her antibiotics.  I don't want to use them, but I also don't want to be one of those crazy parents that bad things happen to their kids b/c they don't believe in modern medicine.  It's been three weeks, I gave it my best shot, but it's time now for meds.

Now, do I take her to MOPS or do I stay home?

No fever right now, so MOPs it is.  I also realized she slept in her clothes (we had a late night at Grandma's house), so I don't need to get he dressed.  Just a diaper change and teeth brushed.

I told Josh we can go on an adventure in Muskegon with his mom (grandma) in two weeks, when he has days off again.  I'm trying to think of where we could go.  I'm all for a bouncy castle place or the art museum.  I know what Lilly would like!

Goals for This Week:
1.  Get printer set up and printing
2.  Get a file system set up on my desk
3.  Pay the City Bill
4.  Fold all the laundry
5.  Eat a veggie with every meal.  I have cleaned lettuce, so a salad for lunch for me.
6.  Knit a pink pussy hat. 

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

My Freedoms!

"Change does not roll on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle.  And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom.  A man can't ride you unless your back is bent."

Question: How are you working for freedom? 

What a good question.  One you should ask yourself everyday as an American.  If we are the land of the free, we must make sure we are free.  Every. Day.

I am raising two children with my values and trying my damndest to teach them more than I knew before they head out into the world.  The world is large, the world is full of Different, the world is not a happy wonderful place, the world has happy wonderful places that are yours to find.

I fight the good fight against velociraptors. Awareness is key.

I march for nonviolence.

I continue my education and seek out diversity and diverse situations.

I call my congressmen.  I watch the reliable news. I think critically.  I try to follow my civic duties.

I practice listening to others.

I use my freedoms!  Use them or lose them.

Huh.  How do women fight this attack on our bodies? How do we fight the freedom of reproductive rights?  We use birth control.  Do we all need to get preggers and then get an abortion?  Maybe just the women who have gotten them speak out more, as they feel comfortable.  We, the women (and men) who have not gotten one, should make space and listen to their voices.  Show the country that it is a right we use and do not want to lose.

I used my right to choose twice.  Twice I chose to keep my children.  Well, three times, but once science chose against the child (the doctor called it Spontaneous Miscarriage).  I was not forced to keep was a choice.  An easy one, but still one.  It is my and any woman's right to choose how she treats her body.

I fear the attack on my daughter's reproductive rights.  I fear the attack on my children's climate and environment.  It is a fear I can touch.  I have never felt such fear before.  Am I old now and it happens to everyone? Or am I living in a time of fear? 

"'I wish it need not have happened in my time,' said Frodo. 'So do I,' said Gandalf, 'and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."  J.R.R. Tolkien

I think I shall embroider that into a pillow.

Monday, January 16, 2017

Title Goes Here

Saturday I forgot I was going to march for peace and decided that Lilly and I were going to do art at the artsplace.

I spent over an hour getting everyone ready and when we got there 20 min late, we were too late to start on the project and do the art.  I knew this.  I knew this when we were leaving hte house.  I knew this before we started getting ready.  I knew this when we walked in. If you are late, you don't get to do art.  Explaining this to Lilly did NOTHING to help her speed up, focus, stop crying and whining.  Nothing went right. we were about to leave, I realized that we hadn't eaten anything for breakfast! No wonder we were both cranky and unhappy. I got us to eat a half a graham cracker each.  I had to beg Lilly to take just one bite, and she finally did and it did make her feel better.

So when we got to the Artsplace and I found out through a sweet wonderful woman that I could not do the art, I broke down and just started crying giant silent tears.  I had worked so hard to get us there and still failed.  Lilly didn't even notice that we couldn't do the art project and was happy to paint some clay instead. The woman helped get Lilly ready and set up and that was so nice.  I painted an electrical outlet plate.  I painted it yellow iwth red blood dripping down.  I was feeling dark and unhappy.  Lilly painted an airplane and a truck.

Lilly wore her new dress I knitted for her for the first time yesterday.  It's a beautiful dress, but it's big/heavy on her.  I need to sew a liner into the collar to help prevent it from stretching.

Time to clean now.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Love Me My Coffee or A Reconning of My Goals

Coffee time.

I had written that a goal I had was to establish a routine.  I'm starting small.  I'm getting up and drinking my coffee and writing.  It's hard in that I can't do it by time, but on the fly as I go.  I can't say what time Lilly will wake up.  Will she wake up at 6? At 7? At 8?  And that determines the start of the daily routine.  Now, I have a second child added to the mix.  When will he get hungry and demand 30 min of my time?  Then immediately after, Lilly will need something too.  I could wake up at 6 or 5 every morning and have about an hour to myself.  It's just scary.  I don't like being tired and I love my bed in the morning.

Maybe I'll try it tomorrow.

Oh, and to throw things up.  Josh either works 2 days or 3 days in a row.  So on the other days, that he's home, times again change.

No wonder I want a routine.  It's just going to have to be a flexible and complex one, requiring lots of self control.

Lilly brushed her teeth yesterday.  I'm finding it nicer for everyone if I get her in her pj's and ready for bed before Josh gets home.  And her teeth get brushed more. Yesterday I had to go take care of Damian, and I told Lilly so, and she said she could pick out and put on her own pajamas herself, and she did!!!  They even matched because she really likes it when they match, top to bottoms.

What else? What else?
Yesterday we went to the library.  Oma visited for 15 min and I was able to take out all the garbage, get a load of laundry started, and show her my knitting.  I made chili for dinner to last three days.  It's delicious.  I used a spice profile inspired by Patti's Kitchen Table (a PBS cooking show featuring Patti who cooks mexican food).  It was my second time making it, and the first time making it without all of the ingredients.  I was able to add notes to it so that it will match my chili preferences and abilities.  I don't think I will ever own ancho chili powder.  But I do have dried ancho chilis!  What a world I make myself.

I cleaned yesterday. Two days ago I participated in a family dance party and I learned that my jumping skillz are non-existent.  Big Momma Can't Jump.  I bought and cleaned a head of lettuce to help me eat better, and then at lunch I ate a proper amount of carbs. 

My mantra is not DIET! B/c I would just fail that.  Look at my routine, it's a routine of feelings and flow, like a river is a routine.  My food intake also can't be dictated by a set of arbitrary rules.  Instead, I think about making good choices, and forgiving myself when I don't.  For example, I did not eat the entire thing of pasta noodles with vinegar for lunch yesterday. I ate one serving, then got up and made myself a sandwiche with lettuce instead of bread.  A good decision.  Ate dinner time, while making Lilly's dinner, I ate a cruller (funny looking egg donut).  A not as good decision, but a delicious one!  The other day I left the house hungry at lunch time with cash in my pocket.  I made the decision not to get fast food, but I still got me a doctor pepper.  This last Wednesday, I chose not to get the Oreos at the grocery store...but I still chose that Doctor Pepper.  Don't worry, I average about 2-3 Dr. Peppers a week.  Not daily.  If it was daily, I would be very worried.  It's an addiction and quitting addictions is a shit experience.  If I need that caffeine, I'll just have coffee or black tea.  This summer I plan on ice cold green tea, not Dr. Peppers.  My intake increases in summer due to the heat.

That's funny.  I worry more about the sugar intake than the addiction to caffeine.

When I'm STARVING and scrounging around for a quick snack, I've been settling on a small handful of almonds.  I bought them, they are damn expensive, I might as well eat them.  And I think that and I don't buy me chocolate covered sugar granola bars. 

Do you know what feels good?  Putting all of your groceries on the conveyer belt and knowing you have a proper selection of food that no one can judge you for.  Do you know what makes you laugh?  Buying a 6 pack of craft beer, a bottle of wine, a bomber of beer, a 12 pack of cheap beer, and 2 jugs of milk.  Then paying for hte milk with WIC and paying for the Christmas (gifts and several parties worth) of alcohol in cash.

My order came in.  They place orders at several different places, so I got about 3 or 4 packages straggling in over a span of a week, but I think it's all here now.  I did like it a lot.  I was able to order and have delivered to my door everything I usually get at walmart.  Now, is it cheaper at walmart? I have no damn idea, but I do know my time and sanity is more valuable than whatever I might or might not be overpaying. This way also, I don't get stuck buying impulse buys and presents for my children, which I will do if I go to walmart.  I can't not spoil my babies!

I have one more package in the mail that I'm waiting on.  It's coming from China, so it should get here sometime in February. Ugh.  It's a sweet ass cat hat.  I can't describe it more b/c that would ruin the surprise.  I hope it fits my giant head. 

If you click this LINK, you can read a poem and see a knitting project I want to make, at the same time.

Friday, January 13, 2017

Didn't Finish

This house is chilly.

What is there to say today?

I have been reading Elizabeth Zimmermann, Knitting Around.  She is my favorite knitting writer, and I don't think the Yarn Harlot will mind me saying that.  Zimmermann is the Julia Child of knitting.  She used to do a knit along on PBS, and wrote books on learning to knit.  Her books are my favorite type of knitting books.  They are part pattern, part thoughts about life, knitting, and everything.  She also teaches you how to knit without a pattern.  Her patterns do not list a gauge to reach.  She says, you do the math and figure it out so it will fit you right.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Short short short

I'm getting old.  My blog tells me which sites view my blog.  And I know they are porn or something as ridiculous. But, despite this, I picked one link and click on it, and it was porn.  I picked, and I didn't think that was porn?  Sigh.

Things that went wrong yesterday:
1.  The front step was all ice and I couldn't get down on my own without dying.
2.  My order of printer paper came in.  I ordered legal size on accident.  I hate legal size paper.
3.  I went grocery shopping on elderly discount day.
4.  My coupon was scanned before the WIC card and the only way to fix it as to unpack and rescan my groceries.

The good thing:  I learned from a bad thing months ago, maybe years ago, and always open my Dr Pepper in the car, slowly, before I start driving.  For the first time since the last time, it fizzed over the outside and I'm glad I did that right and didn't make a mess.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Watch Out for the End There


Fuck Winter.

Because of winter there are winter coats.  Winter coats have always been and will always be my nemesis.  They have presented me with yet another challenge.  Small children are not allowed to wear puffy winter coats, or winter coats at all, in their car seats.  They prevent the straps from being pulled tight enough, and then when an accident happens, they just slide right out of the coat and their seat buckles.

And accidents are more likely in winter.

My mom made Lilly a nice cape to wear over herself in her car seat when she doesn't have a coat on.  Lilly does not like it to go over her head.  To go to the doctor's appointment, I mentioned last, it took so long, just so long to get Lilly in a coat.  First, she had to pick a coat.  She chose her hoody.  Not a coat.  So she chose her new puffy coat to go over the hoody.  The puffy coat, like all good winter coats will, do not layer well.  They are not built to go over long sleeves and hoodies.  Because that would make sense to do so.  Instead Lilly would put an arm in, and when she couldn't get her hand out the end of the sleeve, instead of letting me help, she would crumple up in a ball and pull her arm out and cry.  This happened for both arms.

Finally.  Finally, we get to the car.  She climbs in.  I am barely holding on to my temper.  And she looks at me and goes, I need my coat off mom!  AAAAAAaaaggghhhhh!!!!  I take it off because she is right.  I thought b/c I was only going less than a mile, I could break the rule, but not when my child is watching and wanting to enforce it.  I then had to go through the whole process of putting it on her and her crying about the sleeves when we got to the hospital too.

Then, frustrated, tired, sick, and just ready to get on with life, the lady checking us in insists on small talk.  She asked me how the roads were.  I said, I don't know they're okay.  She asks, are they better than they were this morning?  And I don't know.  I don't know what to say.  I can't lie and say they are fine or they are bad.  And I'm frustrated at myself for not knowing the answer.  It seems like a simple question, why am I too stupid to answer it?  I told her I hadn't left my house in a week, so I can't compare it to what the roads were like.  (which somehow was an easy lie, I did leave once).  I said that statement in such a rude way to imply, Do Not Ask Again.  But, she did.  But are they bad?  I finally told her you can see the cement on the main roads and its snowy on the sides.  It wasn't until I was in the room that I realized she asked about roadS, plural.  I had only driven on one road to get there, a back road, and I didn't get over 20 mph the entire 5 blocks.  I JUST DON"T KNOW WHAT THE ROADS WERE LIKE I DIDN"T GO ON THEM.

Here are other things I learned in the last two or three days:

1.  Bridget Jones Diary is a sad sad knock off of Pride and Prejudice.  Complete with Colin Firth playing a man named Mr. Darcy.
2.  Bridget Jones Diary came out in 2001, so when I was a senior in high school.  It really shaped what I thought adulthood should be like, only in that I thought she was the stupidest person ever.  I would never be like that.  And I am not.
3.  Much of the movie is about how pathetic she is to be a 33 year old single woman all alone.  She has a good job and her own very cute nice apartment.  She is all alone!  All I want is that.  Just to be alone.  To keep my house the way I like it.  To be in complete control of my living space.  I did not pity her fake patheticness.  She was not pathetic.  Pathetic is wearing a see through shirt to work to flirt with your boss and then be surprised to find out he's a cheating douchbag.  I saw that coming a mile away when I was 18!
4.  Colin Firth is the best Mr. Darcy ever to play the character.
5.  I saw another love story movie that was very very terrible.  I don't even know what it was called, I just needed something to play while I knitted and it had to be bad enough to not warrant being watched.   It had a very very very young Wolverine in it (Hugh Jackman).  I've never seen him that young before, and clean shaven.  Anyways, the main character and her non-wolverine boyfriend were looking for apartments to rent and the realtor was all, This one has a view of the World Trade Center.  Then they just loved the apartment and wanted to live there.  I was all....World Trade Center view? That's depressing.  When was this made?  I figured it had to be made before 2001.  Well, I was mostly right.  It was released in 2001, but must have been before September 11.  This experience made me see how much life and the world and our view of the world as Americans has changed since that day.  There truly is a Before and an After 9/11.  Before 9/11 the WTC was mentioned in movies as a good happy thing.  After 9/11, it's not mentioned unless it's in the context of 9/11.  With the exception of possibly locally, there is no Before/After of the Oklahoma City Bombing.  That was my first experience with what is now called Terrorism.  I won't forget the fireman picture with the child.

Well, that's a depressing ending.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

In the Morning, Yesterday. Didn't get Around to Posting this until the next day. Good title.

I am drinking my coffee.  I showered.  In 30 min I have to get up and get Lilly ready for the day.  Then Damian.  Then I have to get to the doctor's office on time.  It will be my first time taking both children to a tedious and boring place at the same time, alone.  It's Damian's turn to get his shots.  But this means in a few weeks I can drop him off at the daycare center at the Tamarac and start my excersize for serious.

Here's why I have to lose weight, not the number, but the inches.  I have no pants.  Yesterday I wore my fleece lined pants to the goodwill, held together by a rubber band and unable to zip up.  It was not an attractive look and I spent the whole time making sure my shirts and coat was pulled all the way down over it.  Imagine a floppy flabby old lady underarm skin covered in purple stretch marks sticking out under a rubber band pulled painfully tight over it.  That's my belly.  Also, I can get my underarm flab to weeble and wobble in a way I have never been able to before, due to my younger age back when I tried last.

I went to the goodwill alone and tried on pants.  I got to the pants isle and realized....what the hell size do I wear?  I don't even know.  So I grabbed some 13's and some 15's.  I was thinking about how confusing 13's were as a size, I didn't even know it was a size.  This morning I realized it was a Misses size, and not an adult size.  Which explains a whole lot about how they did not fit me.  They made me look like a stupid penguin, and only half covered my butt.  Are 15's missus too?  Shit.

Oh, I brought 5 box's of things to the goodwill too!  That feels so good to get it all out of the house.

I started a new knitting project. It's a lap blanket, called the Ten Stitch Blanket  . I'm using a purple yarn, Caron Cake in Bumbleberry (Purple) I received for Christmas.  It's a fast, simple patter that I thought I had memorized.  Then last night I realized I turned a corner twice and now I have to take a bunch out and do it over. Ugh. 

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Gotta Have Money To Make Money

Today I placed an order in at  They are like an online costco, only you don't need a membership.  I like them more than Amazon Pantry b/c I got free shipping at $35 and I didn't have to do a minimum sized order.  Pantry has you "fill a box" before you can complete the order, causing me to buy more than I would intend.  I usually only do a pantry order when I need toilet paper because toilet paper fills a box quickly.  I use these websites instead of going to Walmart.  I got bathtub cleaner, garbage bags, deodorant, toothpaste, dishsoap, paper for my new printer!, masking tape and a light bulb.

I looked at yarn balls, but they were twice the price I pay for them at Michael's.  Also, I do not need them.

I read an article headline on NPR Ed that writing about goals helps students reach them, or something.  So here are a list of my goals:
1.  Obtain and maintain a bi-weekly routine.  Has to be every two weeks to match Josh's schedule.
2.  Brush my teeth and Lilly's teeth every day, twice.
3.  Pare down my clothes so that everything fits in the closet and drawers.
4.  Create a motivational chart/activity to help promote positive behavior from my children.
5.  Make a chore chart for the family.
6.  Make and manage and stick to a proper budget.
7.  Buy a house.
8.  Eat a vegetable at one meal a day (short term), long term: feed my family the proper servings of veggies every day
9.  Lose 50 lbs, long term.  Short term: lose 30 lbs.
10.  More important than losing the weight, I want to build endurance and feel strong in my body, as if I can do anything without tiring because I am so good at excersizing.  I want to have an active lifestyle more than I want to lose weight.
11.  Brush Lilly's hair every day.
12.  Drink my water.

I guess that's it for now.  It's time to brush Lilly's teeth and hair so we can visit Dah in the basement....or as I call it, prepare to set up my printer!!

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Today Is Today

Today I did my least favorite thing.  I renewed my application for Food Assistance and Health Care from Michigan.  It's the worst thing in the entire world.  The website is confusing, poorly made, NOT user friendly, and slow as hell.  AND I don't even want Food Assistance!! We applied when we first moved here and didn't have jobs, but now, I dont' want it. But I don't know how to get it off.  I tried several times over the years.  I just do it so that I can be sure to get healthcare for my children. 

It just took me an hour to tell them that the value of our cars decreased by 500$.  That's the only changes, and that's only needed for the food assistance.  They forced me to report my changes in liquid assets, even though they are the same as last time and they gave me the option of "renew".  So I just typed renew and put the date as 1/1/2017, oh sorry, 01/01/2017 as the effective date of change.  Then they forced me to try and upload proof documentation, without an option to say, No I don't need too, or Maybe later as I have none of the documentation scanned into this computer right now.

They send out a paper form to fill out to do this, but I did that the first year and it didn't work.  I still need to do it online.  Even though it's a yearly renew, I'll have to do it again in July for Lilly's birthday, and again in November for Damian's birthday.  And maybe again, just because that's how life works.

It pisses me off that people complain about the state of our welfare system without ever trying to use it.  If there is a way to game the system, I, an over educated under payed person, cannot figure it out.  And that's my skill set, figuring shit like this out.

Any overhaul of the welfare system must start with overhauling the paperwork and the online forms.  Transparency.  The whole thing runs like it was set up by an old person who can't find the start button.  You know who you are. 

Lilly built a kitchen out of her blocks, complete with refridgerator and popsicles in the freezer.  All for Tiny Kitty.  She cooked with three different colors of butter.

My printer came in and it weighs forty pounds.  We have to put it in the basement, but want to set it on something strong to keep it off the ground.  Josh suggested empty plastic kitty litter boxes with boards laid across the top.  Because that sounds stable.

I am (re)watching BBC's Pride and Prejudice from the 90's.  It's wonderful and dated. I love it.  Of course, I love every recreation of the book and reading the book too.  I do think I like this one better than the newer movie with that skinny girl with the open mouth as Elizabeth Bennet.

Friday, January 6, 2017

When You Feel Uncomfortable

I am inspired in this post by this article, Some Truth About Anger, Boundary Setting, and Declarations of Freedom, by Elan Morgan.

Here are some good quotes from it:

Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.
— Maya Angelou

Anger is not a blunt instrument. Anger is a tool that can be refined and directed with accuracy.

Anger is one of the most nuanced tools we have outside of love to define our boundaries and tell us when we need to set things right.

People will tell you to shut up when you give voice to your anger, because it makes them pay attention, and that attention means you have power.

Pushing back against being told to shut up isn’t negative: it’s an important setting of boundaries and a declaration of freedom.

"Unless you are out of control, which you most likely aren’t, your anger is a tool to which you can give shape and direction. It’s an instrument for change, and that makes other people uncomfortable, because change is destabilizing, and you know what? Destabilization is fantastic. It’s uncomfortable as hell and can be quite frightening, but it’s also what shakes up the systems that make us angry."

 Okay,  I just found this whole article uplifting.  I have a lot of anger in me.  It's what drove my writing in the past.  Many of my favorite posts were fueled by anger.  I also feel that in my family, anger was seen as a very bad negative thing.  Isn't the goal in life to be at peace? And I think the common conception (misconception?) is that peace is the lack of anger?  Because anger leads to fighting and fighting is violent and violence is not peace.  The louder I yelled, the louder I fought back, the more I was suppressed for hurting others ears.  For making others uncomfortable.

Now expand that to all areas of life.  I am not responsible for others uncomfotable feelings.  You are not responsible either.  A person is only responsible for their own actions or reactions to their own feelings.

When I got pregnant, I became unable to control my reactions to my feelings due to pregnancy hormones, lack of sleep, and all the things that come with having a baby.  So, on the days I felt especially angry, I did not go online or write letters to people or talk to the outside.  It was just going to be filled with useless anger and rage.  Also, I quit facebook so that the negative actions I would take wouldn't be made public.  Also, I saw where the election and facebook were heading and I wanted no part of that as a hormone fueled pregnant woman.

It's amazing how this Election has woven itself into my life.  It is intimately part of me, and intimately part of everyone I meet.  Whatever our views, everyone feels the election.  It has affected me in much the same way as 9/11 did.  I will never forget the range of feelings I felt before and after November 8.  In honost disclosure, I am terrified.  I can feel the fear around me.  I avoid the news because I cannot afford more fear, even though that is not the strong and appropriate action I want from myself.  I am far more afraid now than I was after 9/11.  But, back then I was 18.  I don't think I feared anything back then.

My intentions are to write about my anger, not my fear, so back to that.

The nutritionist at WIC, who is sweet but assumes a hell of a lot about me, thinks I am ashamed about being on WIC because I have an advanced degree.  Others have implied or wondered if I am angry because I am not where I want to be in life.  Instead of having a career with my advanced degree and making tons of money, I am staying at home with little children.  I thought about these things a lot, and it's true, I LOVE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. What a wonderful thing to know about myself.
I love living the stereotypical  blue collar life in a tiny house.  Even if I complain about the tiny house.  I love being in complete control of my time and my life.  Even if I think I could do better, at least I only have to answer to my family, people whom I love and who love me.  
Okay, I cannot finish.  Life and those who I answer to are calling.





Thursday, January 5, 2017

The Bottom of this Glass is Filled with Truth

Ugh.  It's still the Best Of Freebeer and Hotwings. When do they come back!?!

Both my mom and sister asked me if I still blog even though I'm off facebook.  Well, I don't and I do want too.  Why did I stop?  Well, in part, my world got a lot smaller when I moved.  Every stranger I run into here is potentially someone's family member and I will see them again.  Or, the person behind the counter will be behind the counter for the next 10 to 15 years.  So, instead of complaining about everything, I have to learn how to write about the positive experiences I have.  And then, I find that what I find and think is positive, others take as an insult and wish I had never said anything.

I'm also tired.  I don't think I'm that funny any more.  I have found that I no longer think what I say is worth saying in a blog.  I'm just going to bore you.  I have run out of practice of writing.

So, I'm going to continue trying.  I didn't get good over night.  I started out blogging every day for a year when I was a sophomore in college, so...12 yrs ago?  Maybe 13.  Back what I was young and niave.

I've also spent the last three years figuring out who I was and I didn't want people to know about that process.  I guess.  I just feel that I retreated into myself once I moved.

Here are Deep Thoughts:
1.  Why use a furniture protector if you never wash it or move it off the furniture? Why not just buy  ugly cheap furniture?  Instead of covering your nice furniture with something ugly?  Or, just get it over with and get the plastic protectors.
2.  You can't belong somewhere if you can't pick a side.

That's about it.  I forgot my actual deep thought.

Josh's birthday was yesterday.  I made a cake and dinner in 1 and a half hours.  I used an extra half cup of shredded carrots in the carrot cake.  It was a good thing.  The cake is so moist and one of the best ones I've ever made.  I got him pants.  Lilly saw me ordering them online, and then when they came in, she yells, DAD YOUR PANTS ARE HERE!  And she wouldn't stop talking about his pants to him.  What he didn't know is that it was Pants as in two pair, not one. He got some other stuff and some stuff wasn't delivered in time.  So he is having an extended birthday week.

He also went back to work yesterday for the first time in 3 weeks...on his birthday.  It was an exciting day for him though.  He got transferred off his expected station and was wanted to help in the palletizer all day.  The paletizer (I have no idea how to spell it) is the area where all the baby food that has been packaged and boxed up to be shipped out is stacked up on large wooden pallets and wrapped in plastic and then sent to the warehouse.  On a good day when it all works, all Josh has to do is print out a sticker and stick it every 4 minutes.  He reads Romance of the Three Kingdoms in between that on the computer. I think it took him 1.5 yrs to finish the book.  I don't know what he reads now. Anyways, while everyone was gone for 3 weeks, they reprogrammed the paletizer computers to do things in a safer way...I think.  So everything was messed up, as one would expect.  The engineers and the mechanics and Josh all worked together to try to get it to work.  He says that a photoeye didn't work right at one point and a wooden pallet got crushed into smithereens in the machinery.  He said it was one of the most terrible noises he's ever heard.

Since that last sentence and now, hours have past.  I have changed 3 or 4 diapers of varying sizes.  I have read one long fairy tale and 4 other stories.  All out loud.  I have taken temperatures, I have filled sippy cups.  I have nursed. I have rescheduled meetings.  I have checked in with my husband.

I have not cleaned my house.  I have not done the dishes.  I have not emptied the diaper garbage.  I have not showered. I have not dressed.  I have not eaten my own lunch.

I DID DRINK MY COFFEE.  That is top importance.  Gotta feed the government approved addiction.