Friday, March 21, 2014

A Month of New Feels

Well, well, well, it has been a long time, hasn't it.  Josh finally got a job and stopped taking my laptop to the library every day to look for one.  Now I have it, and my parents agreed to let me hook it up to their internet!  Freedom at last!

My mom is a modest person and doesn't like to brag, so I shall do it for her.  She is the luckiest lady in the world because she doesn't have to do the breakfast and lunch dishes.  I do them now so she can spend more time working on her work and making us money.

Josh's job is just a temporary job, I would say part time, but he is suppose to get 40 hrs a week.  It's a line cook position at a sports bar called Vitales near Grand Rapids.  It doesn't pay enough to warrant moving out though.  That's fine with me.  Spring is coming (so they say...I'm not sure I believe it) and that means tons of fun stuff to do around the house!  I already started spring cleaning and am working on washing the walls.  I have one wall done.  The bathroom is next.

So this last month has been full of "feels" as the internet would say.  First I interviewed for the position at Mich Tech up in Houghton, and I did terrible.  It was a phone interview and I broke all the rules the internet says about what to do and what not to do during interviews.  I'm not being self deprecating, I am being a realist, and it went bad.  Very bad.  Embarrassingly bad.  And that's the part that got me down.  I was embarrassed at how bad I did and I haven't failed at something this big in a long time.  But then Josh talked to me and reminded me that we didn't actually want to move and that really we preferred that I stay home with Lilly, and I felt tons better.

In fact, I tried my hardest for a job and didn't get it.  Now I can devote 100% of myself to being a Homemaker.  Sigh.  If only I had a home. *dry laughs*

Then, after that feelings of failure, Chucky got very sick very fast.  Chucky is my parents cat and my childhood cat (the one that lived the longest after Mama Kitty), and friends could say, the fourth child of this family.  He passed away and it was very very very sad.  I cried and cried, more than I ever had over a death.  I didn't want to talk to anyone for a while and I was mad at Ackbar for being here still and Chucky wasn't.

As part of dealing with anxiety, and it comes from mindfullness meditation, I like to look at new emotions I feel and examine them.  These two events will be really nice and interesting in the future.  It's nice to have pain and sadness and failure for actual reasons that can be accepted and understood and make sense.  Sometimes when I am depressed, I feel all of those same emotions, but no reason I understand, and therefore there is little hope that they will go away.  With these actual events, I know that day by day the feelings will slowly change and become less.  When I am depressed, I like to remember how I felt when my highschool boyfriend and I broke up.  It was very hard and very sad, but it also went away...and when you feel nothing for so long, it's nice to remember when you did feel something.

I was going to upload a picture of Lilly, but alas, the picture is too large and the internet is too slow.

She is almost crawling.  She is very good at rolling around and finding paper to eat.  She got in her first real fight with me.  I was trying to feed her and she insisted that she could do it herself, by holding on to the spoon full of food and pulling it towards her, and I, in my wisdom, said no, and always try to pull the spoon away.  It makes a really good baby food launcher doing that.  She then refused to eat and made a high pitched noise and pinched her lips together and pulled her head back and made little fists and turned all red.  She was very frustrated and angry and refused to eat.  So I gave her the spoon, and went and got myself my own spoon.  She cheered right up and tried to feed herself from an empty spoon.  I would sneak my spoon in when I could.

She also puked into my mouth the other week when I was holding her above my head.  We were visiting Josh's dad.  It was all green (from green beans) and tasted like sour milk and baby stomach acid.  I saw it fall down at me in slow motion and there was nothing I could do.

We went for a walk two or three days ago when it was 40 degrees out.  She sat in a baby hiking backpack thing.  I saw her holding her hand out to feel the breeze flow through her fingers.