Dah is here!
After three long days, Josh finally has a day off. He works 12 hr shifts, so they are looooong. I don't know how single parents do it. After a while, you just can't change another diaper or care to take pee pants off a toddler. I suppose if there is no one else, you find the strength and you become stronger than I. Also, they probably have to work, so a caretaker watches them for the 12 hr shift instead. I bet that makes the job harder, in ways I don't know.
-I stopped writing. I brought Lilly downstairs to visit Dah. I gave her 3 pieces of candy and explained that she can NOT have a candy cane before breakfast. I put a load of laundry in the washer but did not turn it on, we won't be home to move it to the dryer. I took a load out of the dryer and brought it upstairs.-
Now I can't write.
“Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.”
— Maya Angelou
Anger is not a blunt instrument. Anger is a tool that can be refined and directed with accuracy.
Anger is one of the most nuanced tools we have outside of love to define our boundaries and tell us when we need to set things right.
People will tell you to shut up when you give voice to your anger, because it makes them pay attention, and that attention means you have power.
Pushing back against being told to shut up isn’t negative: it’s an important setting of boundaries and a declaration of freedom.
"Unless you are out of control, which you most likely aren’t, your anger is a tool to which you can give shape and direction. It’s an instrument for change, and that makes other people uncomfortable, because change is destabilizing, and you know what? Destabilization is fantastic. It’s uncomfortable as hell and can be quite frightening, but it’s also what shakes up the systems that make us angry."
Okay, I just found this whole article uplifting. I have a lot of anger in me. It's what drove my writing in the past. Many of my favorite posts were fueled by anger. I also feel that in my family, anger was seen as a very bad negative thing. Isn't the goal in life to be at peace? And I think the common conception (misconception?) is that peace is the lack of anger? Because anger leads to fighting and fighting is violent and violence is not peace. The louder I yelled, the louder I fought back, the more I was suppressed for hurting others ears. For making others uncomfortable.
Now expand that to all areas of life. I am not responsible for others uncomfotable feelings. You are not responsible either. A person is only responsible for their own actions or reactions to their own feelings.
When I got pregnant, I became unable to control my reactions to my feelings due to pregnancy hormones, lack of sleep, and all the things that come with having a baby. So, on the days I felt especially angry, I did not go online or write letters to people or talk to the outside. It was just going to be filled with useless anger and rage. Also, I quit facebook so that the negative actions I would take wouldn't be made public. Also, I saw where the election and facebook were heading and I wanted no part of that as a hormone fueled pregnant woman.
It's amazing how this Election has woven itself into my life. It is intimately part of me, and intimately part of everyone I meet. Whatever our views, everyone feels the election. It has affected me in much the same way as 9/11 did. I will never forget the range of feelings I felt before and after November 8. In honost disclosure, I am terrified. I can feel the fear around me. I avoid the news because I cannot afford more fear, even though that is not the strong and appropriate action I want from myself. I am far more afraid now than I was after 9/11. But, back then I was 18. I don't think I feared anything back then.
My intentions are to write about my anger, not my fear, so back to that.
The nutritionist at WIC, who is sweet but assumes a hell of a lot about me, thinks I am ashamed about being on WIC because I have an advanced degree. Others have implied or wondered if I am angry because I am not where I want to be in life. Instead of having a career with my advanced degree and making tons of money, I am staying at home with little children. I thought about these things a lot, and it's true, I LOVE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. What a wonderful thing to know about myself.
I love living the stereotypical blue collar life in a tiny house. Even if I complain about the tiny house. I love being in complete control of my time and my life. Even if I think I could do better, at least I only have to answer to my family, people whom I love and who love me.
Okay, I cannot finish. Life and those who I answer to are calling.