Monday, April 25, 2011

My Life of Fail

Today I woke up very stressed...maybe anxious would be the better term?  I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and I know when things "aren't right" in my head.  When I'm stressed my tummy gets the tingles, which are like butterflies, but imply high school, when the tingles started, I used to think that it implied that something terrible was about to happen and I would get afraid.  Now, when I realize it's the tingles, I tell myself, it's just me, I'm not really afraid, nothing bad is happening or will happen.  That helps me to ignore them and not focus on them.  But they are still there, and I get antsy and my hands move faster and twitchier when I's like the adrenaline from the stress is kicking in but there is no fight or flight, just tension in me.  It also makes everything else I generally worry about magnified and oh so much worse.

So this is what I worried about today before I realized it and forced myself to ignore it:

1.  That I haven't been training for the past few weeks for the marathon.  I'm afraid I'm going to let me and everyone else that says "good job!" down.  This will be the first time that I set a goal and didn't give it my bestest best effort. (like school).
2.  The laundry isn't done...what am I going to wear to work?
3.  Nathan and Lianne are visiting and the house isn't clean.

So, numbers 2 and 3 are stupid.  The laundry is NEVER done and I never have anything to wear at the beginning of the week and it always works out.  And I vacuumed this weekend and the house is in general, cleaner than normal.  Not things I should worry about at all...but it's the stress.

Then what don't I worry about???  I'm going to Denver this Wednesday and Thursday.  No thought put into that at all.  Complete confidence and excitement for the trip.

I'm messed up.

I told all my worries to my bible study today, and felt stupid about it.  When I was done talking, we all sat there and it was awkward, as usual whenever I say anything.  Then it was prayed about in the closing prayer (cause I had said it was prayer request). 

Do you know what happened?  I got into my truck to drive home and my brother calls me.  The very first thing he asks is "First things first, how's the training coming?"  My worst worry and fear coming true.  Someone who really knows the importance of training asks me about my mistake of not training...and I had to admit that I failed and am a horrible person.  (see the anxiety leads me to believe that any single mistake is a failure and my life will end...that's the messed up part I know).  So I told him, and you know what?  The world didn't end.  I felt terrible having to say it, and he was still supportive and said, that's okay, we'll just work on your mindset of preparing for the race.  How nice is that?  This coming from the person growing up who loved to make fun of me for anything and everything!  Someone who once sent me a letter when I was in college...a hand written letter, addressed by himself that said "Someday your butt will outgrow the moon. ~Nate".  He's always been saying things like, Did you run two miles today?  No? Then you can't eat that cookie.  And I told him, what in my mind was my most recent large failure in life was, and he didn't make me feel bad about it.

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