Thursday, December 29, 2011

In Which I Complain

Every day I am exhausted.  I wake up (I actually like to say, I get out of bed after laying in it for 8 hrs because I'm not sure if what I did counts as sleeping).  I go to work.  I will take  my "morning nap" which is 30 min. of uncontrollable sleep.  Sometimes it's all I can do to make it into work before I fall asleep, then I just stay in my truck and take a nap.  Sometimes I sleep at work.  The other morning, I woke up, got ready for work, saw that I had 30 min before I had to leave and took a nap.

Every week night I go to bed AT 10:00.  Sometimes I play a video game/read in bed, so I would say I fall asleep at 10:40.  Then I get up between 6 and 6:30.  That's just under 8 hrs.  The other night I went to bed at 9:00 but didn't fall asleep until 11:00 ish. 

 I'm not worrying about things at night either.  My brain just refuses to relax.  I could be thinking about nothing, but my face is all scruntched up, I get these terrible headaches behind my eyes.  That pain has always been there.  It feels like I'm looking up as high as I can with my eyeballs and it hurts the eyeball moving muscles.  I have practiced my whole life to not worry before going to bed...this whole can't sleep thing...it happened a lot when I was in high school and younger (for as long as I can remember), but went away entirely in college.  I like to think that when I was in college, I only got 3-4 hrs of sleep anyways, it all sorta just washed out.  I was also very happy in college.  Happier than high school or now.

Then I have the world's most boring dreams.  Recently they have been dreams where I read the words in my mind, liek it's a book, I repeat the words to myself, then I understand but do not see what happens. I just see words in a row.  Only you can't really read in dreams, so I am spending a whole lot of time concentrating on reading and not relaxing and letting the dreams flow.  Sometimes in the morning, I know I'm dreaming, and I open my eyes and realize I've been awake the whole time, and sigh in relief that I don't have to be in the dream any more because it's so long and boring, and chances are, it's the second time I'm dreaming the same boring dream in the same night.

When I don't work, I usually wake up, say goodbye to Josh (he only works on the days I have off), and then take a nap that's actually relaxing for 5-6 hrs when he gets home.  So I sleep about 14 hrs a day/night on the weekends.  My mother told me I should have gotten my Christmas cards out when I was on vacation...what was I doing that whole time? Well, I was sleeping.

With my little energy, I force myself to work at work.  Accomplish something.  It takes all of my energy I have to motivate me to work, so when I get home, I just want to crawl into bed.  Instead I have to find reserves of energy to make me do my work at home.  How do mom's do it?

And that's why you haven't received my Christmas card yet.  I got the litter cleaned before I got those written.  But in my defense, litter stinks more than christmas cards.

5 comments:

Mrs. Teacher said...

Lindy, I feel for you. I would get a physical exam from a doctor to rule out thyroid issues or other. You need to make yourself happy too. Fun activities, hang with friends, yoga, bead making...I personally think you miss me and the rest of your fam.:) Maybe come to Michigan. I know stress causes me to lose sleep and when I first started teaching and hated it...it was hard to get out of bed. Be positively distracted. I know it is easier said than done, but try to find your happiness and feed it. HUGS!

Mrs. Teacher said...

Ps this is lia

Ryan Lakanen said...

Well, you know where you're sleeping tomorrow night! :D

Have you ever tried meditation? We'll talk tomorrow.

Db said...

Lia, I knew that was you. :) I DO miss you and the family. I started doing a knitting project the way I like to, no directions, no pattern, and I'm really liking that. Now all of the "mistakes" are just part of it.

Ryan! I always sleep well in your lavender room. It's a really happy peaceful place...and I love sleeping on the big comfy futon.

Heather said...

When I am in spaces like this, I sometimes use this haiku as a mantra:

Busy, anxious mind
You know there is no mountain
Stop planning your climb

Perhaps it will help? I am also a fan of falling asleep to good classical music, something that will soothe my brain as it matches it. But I also think it's a good idea to get a thorough physical, and be sure to tell them about the fatigue. Has a medical professional ever taken you through the Epworth Sleepiness Scale?