I am feeling so great today! Yesterday I felt the opposite, and I struggled with it all day. I was tired! There was no clean underwear upstairs. There was no clean dishrags upstairs. Or pants. That's a lie, there were pants, I just didn't want to wear them. I was able to get my pj pants on, sans unders, and a sweatshirt over my pj shirt. I got Lilly a banana muffin and juice and situated in front of the TV, Ciallou. Then I laid in bed until it was lunch. I got up to change Lilly's diaper and play with her, then I laid on the couch until lunch. I guess that first sentence was incorrect. Lilly got pbandj for lunch and yogurt. Then I put her down for a nap and I slept more too. Then we laid around until Josh got home. Oh, and Lilly got as many cookies as she wanted for her afternoon snack.
It was the worst! I was so mad. I wanted to clean, I wanted to be clean, I wanted to be responsible. I wanted to go downstairs and find a pair of clean underwear. I wanted to turn the TV off so my baby girl could play with toys and learn and grow. I wanted to feed her a variety of healthy foods like fruits and veggies and protein. But I could not do any of those things. I just could not. I was very worried about myself. Was I sinking into a terrible depression? Was I a fundamentally bad person? Was this the start of the building of bad habits that grows and grows until five years from now I look back at myself in disgust and say "What have I become?!?!" "What have I let my family become?"
I did some breathing/meditation exercises and looked at the situation from "outside". Here is what I realized:
1. It was Sunday. You are allowed to watch tv and wear your pj's all day on Sunday.
2. I had a very tiring busy weekend and Josh was working the whole time. Of course I'm allowed to be tired.
3. It was Josh's third day in a row working...I'm always exhausted on these Sundays.
4. It was super windy, rainy AND snowy. I wasn't going to go anywhere, it was a perfect lazy day.
5. I did go downstairs to find a clean dishrag, but the unders were too hidden under the giant pile of clean clothes and towels, and I didn't want to search for a pair. I'm not sure what this says about me or the situation. But I find it ironic, and that amuses me.
6. One day does not equal a habit. Everyone has off days.
7. Lots of people watch more tv than me, and I respect them and their families. TV is not the true devil. Especially if all we watch are PBS toddler shows.
8. I am feeling overwhelmed with the changes that spring brings. I need to make a to-do list and more importantly, a list that chronicles what I have done. A have-done list reminds you that you are not useless and that you accomplish more than you think.
9. Lilly has been sleeping in her own big girl bed, and I have had to wake up and go to her once or twice a night...the change adds to tiredness too.
Here is my Have-Done list for yesterday:
1. Put away Lilly's clean clothes.
2. Did some dishes. (I think, I must have)
3. Fed my baby. A full baby is more important than a starving baby surrounded by vegetables.
4. Provided a warm, filling, delicious meal for my husband when he got home from work.
5. Picked up my boxes of yarn from the living room (and just moved them to the bedroom). This one is sort of a draw.
Now, about that warm, filling dinner I provided? It was Spanky's Pizza and Breadsticks, delivered. Yeah, I just made a phone call and amazing food was brought to me. I over tipped the driver b/c I made him go out in terrible ice snow rain. Luckily, it wasn't very far.
Lilly also discovered a new word to add to her collection. It's called "Mine!" While Josh was eating, she took his plate of pizza and said MINE! and then grabbed his pizza and said Mine! and wouldn't give it back to him. Then, she said "Mine!!" and licked the entire back of his pizza. Too bad for her that when you wipe someones butt, a little bit of their tongue spit is not gross, and Josh ate the pizza anyways. It was not hers!
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