Friday, January 13, 2012

But First, Coffee

This year I am not making resolutions, but goals.  Goals seem more attainable.  So far I feel like I've accomplished more than I did all of last year!  I've been busy these two weeks.  I have started running again, I finished 2 knitting projects, completed 2 pinterest projects, made and attended 3 doctors appointments, saw a movie, cooked dinner a lot, cleaned out the fridge and Josh cleaned the pantry, snuggled my kitty, got a haircut, and other stuff I'm not remembering right now.

I went to the allergist doctor yesterday to get tested for my gluten intolerance.  They convinced me to do the inhalant tests too, even though I didn't think I needed to because I have my allergies under control and I've never really had allergies my whole life.  The doctor said I won the award for most allergic person of the day.  He was impressed at how allergic I was to Nashville's grass', trees, cats, dogs, mice, and dust mites.  I am not allergic to mold or cockroaches.  I'm also allergic enough to avocado that I got an epi pen!  I am not allergic to wheat or walnuts though, the things I went in for because of my reactions.  I am allergic to tomatoes, which I had a suspicion.  I eat them just not if they've been canned homemade or Campbell's tomato soup, those things have made me sick for as long as I remember.  I used to hate spaggetti when my mom made it because she used her own canned tomatoes for the sauce and my stomach hurt afterwards so bad every time.

Josh and I signed up for my works IRA program so now we have a retirement plan too.  That's definitely one of the most adult things we've ever done.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before or not, but I was diagnosed with Generalize Anxiety Disorder a year and a half ago I think.  I'm now on a medication that helps that.  I've never wanted to discuss it on the internets because I dont' want people to think it's my life, or to define me by that.  I think about it everyday...and I dont' want to think everyone else is too.  He he he...pretty self absorbed of me.  Anyways, I have good days and I have bad days.  I try not to post on a bad day but sometimes they sneak up on me.  I'm a lot better now.  I used to worry, especially before the pills and during my thesis writing, that if I made one simple little mistake or forgot something the world would end and I would be floating in a black hole of nothingness. I cannot describe or make people understand the paralyzing fear I have of that black hole of nothingness.  Now every action of mine is to stave off that horrible black hole.  Sometimes I realize it doesn't exist or stop being afraid long enough to wonder what's on the other side of it.  After the anxiety hits, I am rendered incapable of decisions, and therefore of action.  I do nothing I worry about and nothing that needs to be done, then I go into a depression at how much I suck at life and how horrible I am and useless and weak.  That hasn't happened that badly in a while though...I practice mindfullness meditation and find that I'm best at it when I'm walking.  I can't wait to try it while I run!  It really affects me at work because work requires me to talk to new people, call people and make decisions, and I dont' know what in the world I'm doing most of the time!  All of those things cue my anxiety.  I have a coworker who has worked with the Tribes for over 20 years and I think he used to teach at a university.  It has really helped my anxiety since he started because I now have someone I can go to to ask all of my questions.  I never wanted to go to my supervisor b/c she is always busy and I don't want to bother her with questions everyone seems to think I should already know the answer to.  My coworker also answers a lot of life questions and once when I stalled my truck twice in one morning, he knew, without a doubt, that it wasn't my inability to be perfect that stalled it but that there was water in the gas tank causing it.  Which turned out to be true!  Up until he told me that I was pretty mad at myself for sucking up driving a stick shift.  I'm trying very hard to talk to myself in a caring compassionate way and not in a critical way.  It's very difficult.

The only thing that's be stable and there for me and helps me through all of this is Josh.  He always listens to me and doesn't judge and doesn't tell me what I should do.  He just helps me understand and tries his hardest to help out.  So let it be known, despite all of his "faults" (which by the way are why I fell in love with him) he is the best thing I know.  Also, he put up with me so well before the pills when everything made me angry and I spent 5 hrs a day watching Criminal Minds or crying.  He never yelled back or got frustrated.  Never.


Anonymous said...

Congratulations on not being allergic to wheat!

Congratulations for announcing online that you have GAD!

Thank you for picking Josh, he certainly is the best person in the world for you! I know you are in good hands. :)


Ryan Lakanen said...

So you're not allergic to wheat, but to tomatoes! So we can do pasta again when you visit, but not red sauce... :) I'll dig out my alfredo recipe next time!

Probably based on my experience with where I work, I already figured you had anxiety. Though I hadn't realized that it was quite as bad as it is.

Glad you're so fond of Josh! ;) I think all three of us were given HUGE wells of patience from mom.

And that coffee mug makes you look tiny!

Aunt Leonora said...

I can't believe how much you look like a younger me in this picture!!! Once you get all these allergies under control other things should fall into place. One word of caution - being not allergic to wheat may not mean you're not Gluten intolerant. Research that well. I've learned the hard way. Love you.

Mommy said...

I'm glad you picked Josh too, he takes a load off my mind. I know you are in good hands. :)
It's also good that you're taking care of yourself and trying to work everything out.

Do you think caffeine has anything to do with anxiety?

Love ya