But, the thing is, I write what I think about, and all I think about these days is her and things related to her. So, you, following, internet, are just going to have to deal or not read this. That's cool.
Speaking of her, she is soooo angry right now.
It was a dirty diaper.
A while back...a year? Two years? I'm not sure, I wrote about my trials with anxiety and depression. It kicked in when a year into living in Nashville, during grad school. Then I thought it would stop once I accomplished my life goal of getting a salary job. But it didn't. So I got on medication and that helped...sorta. Then it got bad. Then it got really really bad and I didn't know it because I was distracted by travelling 3 weeks a month. But when you make a game of seeing how little you can eat in a day, how much money you can save by not buying food, and counting 2 beers as a good dinner, something is wrong. Then I experienced something very bad (not caused by me) and it lead to my pause in facebook and blogging. I didn't ever want to go back to sharing with the public, with everyone I know. I didn't trust myself of what I'd say and I wasn't thinking straight at the time.
I started seeing a councilor who taught me how to accept my feelings and I practiced mindfulness meditation that is all about accepting things as they are. I learned how to let go.
Simultaneously, the week after we decided to put child bearing on hold, I got preggers with Miss Lilly. Only I didn't know it was her at the time. I found out about her at my yearly woman check up, pretty much as soon as one can find out they are pregnant. The nurse said the line was very faint, but was there. So, I've known basically ALL NINE MONTHS. And that was the first day I felt plain, regular, great happiness in a long time. Then I was grumpy and in pain for 6 months, and during the last three, I relaxed, I stopped thinking about the bad things, the anxiety. I started thinking about Lilly and getting ready for her. I did crafts. I knit a blanket. I watched a shit ton of CSI: Miami and Doc Martin. I was so focused on the happy things, I let go of all my worries and stresses at work. I stopped caring what people thought and if my every action would piss someone off. When I came home at the end of the day, I thought about other things than work. I would wake up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, and I would play a video game on my phone until I fell back asleep. I didn't get all worked up because I wasn't sleeping. (those late night gaming sessions were some of my favorite times).
I set a date in April or May, that I would move home by August 31, and by having that date in mind, I had a goal to work towards and something to look forward too. I am so amazed that it is actually happening.
The three weeks before Lilly was born, I realized I was happy! All the time happy! I was not worried, like all the books said I would be. The nine months of learning how to work through emotions and letting go of control, all the self help books I read, everything, finally made sense and I realized I was living the way I wanted to be nine months before. Basically, the impossible became possible! How amazing is that!?! It's unbelievable really.
Then I had Lilith and I got even happier! These are things that I am NOT worried about:
1. Not having an apartment lined up
2. Not having a job lined up
When I finished grad school, those were my top two worries. I was so worried about those two things, I was paralyzed. I worried so much it was painful. Maybe because I lived through it then, I know I will live through it now, so why worry?
I am a little anxious about the actual move itself. I don't particularly want to drive twelve hours with a baby and a cat and Josh driving a big ol' moving truck alone. Josh's mom is helping and will be driving/riding with us, so that's a huge help! We will even have her airconditioned vehicle. Thank goodness. I don't think I could do the trip with the windows down the entire time. (And I know what I'm talking about...I've done the entire drive with the windows down three times already). I'm also worried a little about if we have enough boxes, the physical aspect of loading and unloading the truck, and all of the extra time it takes to do anything with a baby. I know though that that will work itself out and we have the truck for a day or so longer than I calculate us needing it.
Anyways, I've found the last six weeks of being home all the time to be the best, most satisfying six weeks of my life! It's right up there with the five weeks I spent at field camp. People tell me it only gets harder from here and assume I'm tired all the time. I'm not. There are some days when I didn't sleep enough and am tired...but those are maybe once a week. I do not find caring for Lilly hard...I've done hard, and she is not it. I mean, it's not easy like watching tv is easy, but it is work, but work isn't always hard. College work was work, but not hard. Challenging, but not something I dreaded or felt like I couldn't do (except understand thermodynamics...that's hard). I've spent the last three years doing "hard" and feeling like I was lost and couldn't do anything and everything I did was hard and emotionally draining. Lilly comes with a check list, dirty diaper, hungry, change position, temperature, repeat. And on the rare occasion that it seems like she will never stop crying, I know that's impossible. No one cries forever. "this too shall pass" is always applied. It's manageable and I understand it.
Plus, it helps that I have the bestest, most sweetest, wonderful, amazing and happiest baby in the world.
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