Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Day to day

I had what I would call an anxiety attack today.  And I can't really say what started it off.  Actually there were several events that could lead anyone to an anxiety attack:
1.  I payed bills before I left for work and once again will not be able to pay off the credit card...BUT we are moving to the positive and not falling into the negative.
2.  Then I went to the dentist's.
3.  The ridiculously expensive dentist.
4.  Then when I got to work I was asked why I didn't just take a sick day.  Because I'm hardwired to work no matter what.  Them cows aint gonna milk themselves!  That's what my family always says.
5.  Then I had to call the insurance company and found out something unsettling that I still have to fix.
6.  Then I called my mother.

See?  That would do it to anyone.

Only I really freaked out a lot, bad enough to justify going home sick.  I had to decide what would be best for me, and I decided to stay at work.  Work doesn't stress me out in the least (ironic huh?) and if I focused on it as hard as I could, it would keep my mind off everything I worry about and the looming black hole.  Only if there truly was a real black hole I'd be scared and very excited to see what was through it.  Not what I feel about this proverbial one.  If I went home instead of working, then I would just sit there and my list of worries would grow. 

But now, when I'm slightly more rational, I'm like, what was I worried about? And I honestly couldn't list to you anything worth stressing about.  I couldn't really even tell you one big one.  This is different than when you are busy and overwhelmed with stuff, this just sneaks up on me and then leaves me feeling exhausted, heartburny, and depressed.  My outlook on life is pretty bleak right now because I have no energy or drive to accomplish things that I worry about.  So I worry about them more.  Like...I should be working on my knitting, or my mosiac coffee table, or cleaning the bathroom, or organizing my closet so that my clothes are lined up by color and style.  Actually, I would have to do it by color first and then decide if that's what I wanted and then try it by style later.  BUT first I would have to hang up a lot of clothes and probably steam the wrinkles out of the ones that need it and maybe iron that one shirt I love way in the back that the wrinkles won't steam out of.  And while I'm at it, laundry should be done. 

And where is Josh during all of this?  AT SCHOOL DOING WHAT HE"S SUPPOSE TO BE DOING AND NOT STRESSING ME OUT!!!!   That makes me pretty happy actually.  Oh and he vacuumed today.  He vacuums a lot.

I lie a little though, I did accomplish one thing today at home, I made another batch of bread and butter pickles.  That makes three so far and I'm super fast at it.  After the cucumbers are cut and cured with salt for 4 hrs it only takes me 45 mins. or less to do it all and most of that is just waiting for the pick pot of water to boil.  I think I have 3 or 4 batches left to make (I bought a lot of cucumbers last weekend), so I need to buy more jars.

The weirdest thing I worry about is Ackbar.  I worry simultaneously that he is getting too fat and that I am starving him.  He weighs 14 lbs.  But 3 of it has to be from furr because he sure is fluffy!

I bought my life planner to help with my worries, and it does for the small day to day stuff.  But what can it do for this? A worry that has no name?

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