Happiness

Well.  I'm going to be honest here.  I do not want this to turn into a "Mommy Blog" and be all about how wonderful, sweet, amazing, and generally better my child is than all the others. (True that that may be.)  Ehhh...I find it a lot harder to exaggerated about how amazing Lilly is than I do about how great and awesome my truck is.  (What?!  I don't exaggerated about that, who am I kidding?)

But, the thing is, I write what I think about, and all I think about these days is her and things related to her.  So, you, following, internet, are just going to have to deal or not read this.  That's cool.

Speaking of her, she is soooo angry right now.

It was a dirty diaper.

A while back...a year? Two years?  I'm not sure, I wrote about my trials with anxiety and depression.  It kicked in when a year into living in Nashville, during grad school.  Then I thought it would stop once I accomplished my life goal of getting a salary job.  But it didn't. So I got on medication and that helped...sorta.  Then it got bad.  Then it got really really bad and I didn't know it because I was distracted by travelling 3 weeks a month.  But when you make a game of seeing how little you can eat in a day, how much money you can save by not buying food, and counting 2 beers as a good dinner, something is wrong.  Then I experienced something very bad (not caused by me) and it lead to my pause in facebook and blogging.  I didn't ever want to go back to sharing with the public, with everyone I know.  I didn't trust myself of what I'd say and I wasn't thinking straight at the time.

I started seeing a councilor who taught me how to accept my feelings and I practiced mindfulness meditation that is all about accepting things as they are.  I learned how to let go.  

Simultaneously,  the week after we decided to put child bearing on hold, I got preggers with Miss Lilly.  Only I didn't know it was her at the time.  I found out about her at my yearly woman check up, pretty much as soon as one can find out they are pregnant.  The nurse said the line was very faint, but was there.  So, I've known basically ALL NINE MONTHS.  And that was the first day I felt plain, regular, great happiness in a long time.  Then I was grumpy and in pain for 6 months, and during the last three, I relaxed, I stopped thinking about the bad things, the anxiety.  I started thinking about Lilly and getting ready for her.  I did crafts.  I knit a blanket.  I watched a shit ton of CSI: Miami and Doc Martin.  I was so focused on the happy things, I let go of all my worries and stresses at work.  I stopped caring what people thought and if my every action would piss someone off.  When I came home at the end of the day, I thought about other things than work.  I would wake up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, and I would play a video game on my phone until I fell back asleep.  I didn't get all worked up because I wasn't sleeping.  (those late night gaming sessions were some of my favorite times).

I set a date in April or May, that I would move home by August 31, and by having that date in mind, I had a goal to work towards and something to look forward too.  I am so amazed that it is actually happening.

The three weeks before Lilly was born, I realized I was happy!  All the time happy!  I was not worried, like all the books said I would be. The nine months of learning how to work through emotions and letting go of control, all the self help books I read, everything, finally made sense and I realized I was living the way I wanted to be nine months before.  Basically, the impossible became possible!  How amazing is that!?!  It's unbelievable really.

Then I had Lilith and I got even happier!  These are things that I am NOT worried about:
1.  Not having an apartment lined up
2.  Not having a job lined up

When I finished grad school, those were my top two worries.  I was so worried about those two things, I was paralyzed.  I worried so much it was painful.  Maybe because I lived through it then, I know I will live through it now, so why worry?

I am a little anxious about the actual move itself.  I don't particularly want to drive twelve hours with a baby and a cat and Josh driving a big ol' moving truck alone.  Josh's mom is helping and will be driving/riding with us, so that's a huge help!  We will even have her airconditioned vehicle.  Thank goodness.  I don't think I could do the trip with the windows down the entire time.  (And I know what I'm talking about...I've done the entire drive with the windows down three times already).  I'm also worried a little about if we have enough boxes, the physical aspect of loading and unloading the truck, and all of the extra time it takes to do anything with a baby.  I know though that that will work itself out and we have the truck for a day or so longer than I calculate us needing it.

Anyways, I've found the last six weeks of being home all the time to be the best, most satisfying six weeks of my life!  It's right up there with the five weeks I spent at field camp.  People tell me it only gets harder from here and assume I'm tired all the time.  I'm not.  There are some days when I didn't sleep enough and am tired...but those are maybe once a week.  I do not find caring for Lilly hard...I've done hard, and she is not it.  I mean, it's not easy like watching tv is easy, but it is work, but work isn't always hard.  College work was work, but not hard.  Challenging, but not something I dreaded or felt like I couldn't do (except understand thermodynamics...that's hard).  I've spent the last three years doing "hard" and feeling like I was lost and couldn't do anything and everything I did was hard and emotionally draining.  Lilly comes with a check list, dirty diaper, hungry, change position, temperature, repeat.  And on the rare occasion that it seems like she will never stop crying, I know that's impossible.  No one cries forever.  "this too shall pass" is always applied.  It's manageable and I understand it.

Plus, it helps that I have the bestest, most sweetest, wonderful, amazing and happiest baby in the world.

Where am I moving?

I have put in my two weeks at work and worked all of that stuff out.  I can now safely announce to you, internet, where Josh and I are moving to!  We are moving back home!!!!  Besides our close friends here (you know who you are), there is nothing attaching us to Nashville.  I've done the big city thing, and I have completed this set of goals in my life.  It's really frustrating because I will really miss our friends here, but I can't raise a child in Tennessee.  For many reasons, one being the governments desire to have guns in parks.  Another is that our family is not here.  I need my family and my family needs me.  My best friend's mother is battling cancer, and I want to be there to support them.  And selfishly, I need tall hardwood trees, cooler camping and bonfire weather, and lakes.  There are also less spiders in Michigan.

Oh, we will be moved before the end of August!  two weeks? Three weeks? Something like that.  I've been packing for months.  One box a day.

Okay, I guess I better announce exactly where in Michigan we are moving. Yes, yes, we are doing the "Typical Millenial Generational thing" and moving back in with my parents. :/  It will only be until Josh gets a job though and hopefully no more than a month.  I can't believe, personally, that somehow my life includes, having a baby, quitting my job, and moving across the country with no job or housing in place.  Not only that, but I'm leaving a city that was barely, if not at all, affected by the Great Recession, to the state most affected by it.  It's like I'm doing everything opposite of what a responsible person would do.  It's going to be a great adventure!  That's also crazy...I'm super excited for it, not stressed out or worried at all.  In fact, I haven't been this happy in years and years and years...since I've moved down here, really.

I have a theory though, that Lilly causes my body to produce a happiness hormone in me like a drug.  I'm terribly addicted to her.

Today Lilly slept a lot and I was able to make coffee!  Now I'm all caffiened up and no one to talk to!  I clearly didn't think that one through.  I love listing the stuff I've done I realized.  I think because I just feel so accomplished and it's a way of positively acknowledging myself of my good job.  

So, good job self for paying the bills!  For finishing packing the medicines in the house.  For doing the dishes (heh, that was easy...there were only 3 bowls and 5 spoons).  For starting one load of laundry and completing the drying of another load.  Extra good job for feeding and changing Lilly and for helping her feel safe and secure and getting her to sleep.  Also good job for burping her. 

Burping Lilly is one of my favorite things to do.

I think I'm going to run to babies r us, either with Josh or without, when he gets home.  It's tax free weekend for school supplies which includes diapers and that store also has several good diaper sales going on.

Lilly's favorite albums right now are Neko Case and Bob Marley.  She has excellent taste.

Elvis and Driving

Well well well.

I just realized a lot of interesting things have happened lately, and they have all slipped my mind for a while. 

First off, a few weeks ago, Lilly had her hearing test done, and she passed with flying colors.  I knew she would.  We had to go to the Children's Hospital to get it done.  I was pretty excited because I haven't been in that building yet, and a lot of Vandy's money goes to the Children's Hospital.  It's really pretty and child friendly.  There are volunteers that go around and give out crayons and coloring book pages to kids to keep them occupied.  It's cheerful and sorta carnival themed and they have great dinosaur paintings on the walls. 

I really enjoy looking at the decor and buildings built by people who had enough money to not only hire a professional to create a working theme, but to then pay to have it done, no expense spared...Jurassic Park style.  ("No expense spared" is a quote from the grandpa man who built Jurassic Park).  The list of buildings I've seen include the Monsanto seed transformation laboratory in Connecticut, the Tribal casinos, and Vanderbilt hospitals. 

So, on to the interesting part.  We were in the waiting room playing with Lilly waiting for the nurse to call us.  An 8 yr old girl walked out and stood waiting for the nurse and her parents.  She was dressed in a loud gaudy outfit.  It was all American Flag stuff, had lots of sequins, was quality looking (so it wasn't cheap) and had matching cowgirl boots.  It was an impressive outfit, even if I didn't particularly care for it.  I wondered why she was dressed that way for the doctors office and I wondered for a second what her mom looked like.  I must admit, I imagined someone from the People of Walmart website.  And then do you know who walked out?  A 6 foot tall Elvis impersonator!  Her dad brought her to the hospital and her dad also looks like Elvis.  That's what I get for passively judging people I haven't even seen yet!

Another interesting story?  When Josh and I first drove Lilly home from the hospital, it was raining...we saw 3 accidents on the way.  (Side note:  My parents couldn't believe that there were THREE ACCIDENTS. Heh.  There are three in this city everyday at rush hour, and you only hope it's not in your path.  I think they were more shocked at the fact that it was just raining, not even hard and people couldn't drive.)  Anyways, I tend to avoid driving in the rain here like you would avoid driving in the snow up north.  Only if you have to.  So, we pull into the driveway of our apartment complex and first thing is the large hill the curves at the top, and just at the apex of the hill are two of the world's worst placed speed bumps.  The guy behind us decided we were driving too slow (which was faster than many of the people I've followed in IMHO) and passed us on that hill, just to slow down to a stop to go over the speed bumps.  And there were only three accidents...