Dissapointment

Dah is here! 

After three long days, Josh finally has a day off.  He works 12 hr shifts, so they are looooong.  I don't know how single parents do it.  After a while, you just can't change another diaper or care to take pee pants off a toddler.  I suppose if there is no one else, you find the strength and you become stronger than I.  Also, they probably have to work, so a caretaker watches them for the 12 hr shift instead.  I bet that makes the job harder, in ways I don't know.

-I stopped writing.  I brought Lilly downstairs to visit Dah.  I gave her 3 pieces of candy and explained that she can NOT have a candy cane before breakfast.  I put a load of laundry in the washer but did not turn it on, we won't be home to move it to the dryer.  I took a load out of the dryer and brought it upstairs.-

Now I can't write.

Today is a little lacking.

My son is being entertained by a stuffed Totoro.  I'm so happy.

I have a third baby for the next three weeks.  He's larger than Damian and smaller than Lilly, has the personality of a grumpy old man and is covered in a ridiculous amount of orange and white fur.  It's ACKBAR! I know he prefers the woods and the outdoors, but he misses us and he enjoys his yearly winter visit to the city.

My mom sent me a disturbing text this morning.  She explained to Lilly that she can't let cats outside b/c cats can get hit by cars.  She asked Lilly what happens when a cat gets hit and Lilly goes "Squish".  My mom didn't explain what squish means, but texted me to let me know I should probably do it.  Thanks, mom.

I want to write about my visit from my sister in law or I want to write about resistance and nonviolence.  Science.  How Trump makes me feel sick in the heart.  How he is "wrong" like how the Uncanny Valley is 'Wrong" or clowns are "wrong". But I'm too tired for that. I'll just set out my goals:

1.  Make more phone calls to my representative
2.  Find out where Huisinga (my rep) eats lunch and when so the public can come talk to him, and then go talk to him.
3.  Continue on my planner/printables schemes.  So far, it's all crap.
4.  Clean the house more.
5.  Get rid of more stuff so that I don't feel so crazy in my own house b/c it's so cluttered.
6. Find the bumpo seat
7.  Go to the tamarac

This list turned into a goals list with a todo list.  That's no good.

I Made A Mistake.

I am embarrassed.  On my last post I put said "Huevos Con Chorizo is Mexican for...."  That was a mistake.  It is Spanish for eggs and chorizo.  I am upset with myself.  I didn't even know I wrote it like that until the middle of the night I woke up and realized what I did.

My intent was not to be funny, sarcastic or culturally insensitive.

But life has taught me, intent doesn't mean anything.  Ignorance of the insensitivity doesn't mean anything. A simple mistake doesn't mean anything.

You make a mistake like that, no matter intent or ignorance, and you could get fired.  Knowing I made a public mistake like this brings back a lot of the terrible stomach feelings I would get at my old job.  A simple typo, a minute of letting my guard down, getting the name of a Tribe wrong by one word, would get me called into the boss's office and a long lecture.  Saying "no" and "I dont' know" also got me a long lecture on how I can't say those things.

Now Trump is president.

FML

Breakfast For Dinner El Popular Style

Following, you are small.  Smaller than in the past, but still my Following, willing to do what I say and be under my influence.  Hhhmm...I used to be better at talking about how through you I would rule the world.  Growing up ruined my sarcasm I think...and my desire to rule the world.

Sometimes I despise Trump for being so exhausting.  Alternative facts, my ass.

I don't think that word means what you think it means.

Yesterday I thought I did good on my list of To-Do's I made.  Turns out, just so so.  I did not complete the laundry tasks.  All I was able to do was get Damian's clothes put away.  I still have Lilly's and ours.  I did not do any budget management either.  I still feel good about what I did though because I worked nonstop!  It takes hours to get me and Lilly dressed, constantly feed all of us.  Seriously.  By the time I finish our morning snack time (which is large because we do a tiny early breakfast), it's lunchtime.  Then, once that is done and cleaned up, it's time to start dinner.  Dinner tonight will be easier because we are eating sorta left overs from yesterday.

For dinner I made huevos con chorizo with a black bean sauce.  Huevos con chorizo is Spanish for Eggs with chorizo.  Chorizo is spicy Mexican sausage, and it's delicious!  The brand Bill's sells (SURPRISE! They actually sell it), is El Popular.  Josh and I laughed over that.  It's literally called The Popular Chorizo.  This is good for me though because once in Nashville I bought chorizo from a world grocery store (complete with giant totes of live fish) and it was gross.  It was slimy and made of pig cheeks and lips.  Too authentic for me.  Give me the El Popular brand any day.

This dinner was delicious and the black bean sauce was easy: Blend 2 cans of black beans with 2 Tbspn of pickled jalepeno juice and 2 Tbspn of the sauce in a chipotle in Adobo can, and one cup chicken broth.  Bam! Sauce.  I added some salt too.  Then you pour it on top of scrambled eggs and fried up chorizo on a corn tortilla.  Basically we had breakfast for dinner.  Tonight, all I have to do is make scrambled eggs again.

I've heard of Breakfast for Dinner but growing up I dont' think we had it, or if we did, it was only once or twice.  Same with Josh, so he says.  We have it quite often here.  Breakfast is easy to make, easy to add things too, and delicious when it's not breakfast time.  I do not like breakfast foods in the morning.  I only like deserts or yogurt in the morning.  Also, Lilly likes scrambled eggs, pancakes, toast, and cereal...and sometimes, why not just make what she'll eat?  I bought some baby spinach and I'm trying to work it into foods so we can get some leafy greens.  Josh doesn't like it on his sandwiches, but if I put a thin layer I tell him he can't taste it and to suck it up and eat it like a man.  It's for Health.

Here is today's ToDo list.  I'm not sure if I can manage as much, my headache is pretty bad this morning.

-put away Lilly's clothes
-fold one load of laundry
-go to tamarac
-call chiropractor
-do dishes
-feed family lunch, breakfast, dinner
-manage budget

Here is a list of things I want to do:
-dust
-vacuum the couch, specifically the dusty arms and top of it
-print out printables for my planner
-gather tax documents into one spot
-Do taxes


Now that I look at this, I think I might switch some things up on the lists.  We'll see.

Goals and To-Do's

It's a good thing I made waking up early a goal.  It's making it easier to accept that I know longer have a choice.  If one isn't wanting to nurse, the other one is getting up.  All morning, every 30 min or so from 5am.  Our monitor never worked well, and I think stopped working, so I can't nap on the couch and listen for Damian in the other room either.  I need to be awake and aware.  Maybe if he cried loud enough, but he doesn't.  Lilly made you take care of her with her loud demands.  I take care of Damian because I'm a good mom and choose too. I like to think he'd eventually get loud.

He does get loud, he just builds up to it.

I'm trying to print out my own planner and I want to use free printables.  It seems wonderful and easy until you get down to it.  I can't find the printable I want.  Then when I do, I can't get them to print in the size I want.  I want 1/2 letter size b/c that's what size my folder is.  I can't get it to print two per page.  Or I make my own because I want utility over fancy fonts, but I can't get it.
Here are a list of my Problems:
1.  I only work on it after 8pm when I'm exhuasted and braindead.
2.  None of the ones I find online are just a simple table for Name: Phone Number:  That's all I want.
3.  I made my own on Open Office Calc (Off brand excel) and since it's free, it lacks the finer formatting buttons.  OR I just don't know where they are.
4.  I format it but it thinks the pages of physical paper are half size and I can't figure out how to have it outline the page area so I know what size half page is AND print two per page.  My only work around is to cut the paper in half first and feed that into the printer.
5.  I wish I had publisher.
6.  I downloaded a nice font, just to see if I could, and I think it only went into Open Word and I can't get it in Open Calc.  The program I was using.

I would just do this on a large full page folder, but the half size works better.  It fits in the drawer I like to keep it in, and it fits on the table/desk better when I work.  I don't think I would have the space, or I would fight with it a lot if it was full size.

7.  Everyone in my house, including myself, smells like pee.

Here is today's Todo List:

-Put away everyone's clothes
-go to library or tamarac
-shower
-make a breakfast, lunch and dinner for everyone
-do the dishes
-fold more clothes
-budget management

I could probably add more, but why be unrealistic?  They say seven things is all a person should have on a list anyways.

Woman's March Lansing

Yesterday was the Woman's March and I went with my family.  Well, we went to the one in Lansing, not Washington DC.  It was a very different experience.  I didn't know what to expect at all.  There were tons of people there and as we were driving in, we saw groups of people wearing pink pussy hats walking towards the capitol.  There were so many more people and hats than I ever imagined and I got teary eyed because so many people cared.  I guess I've just been feeling so alone, thinking only I and the Internet cared.

I finished my hat 10 min. before we got there.  Per usual with my knit hats, the ribbed band was much too large and stretchy.  I knew I should have used smaller needles for that part, I just didn't want to waste time looking for them, not having them, then having to go buy them, or be disappointment for "settling" for the regular size needles I used anyways.  Regardless, it was a perfect hat and it did it's job.

We parked on the top level of a parking garage because it was completely full and pulled out our new used double stroller.  I did not ask for this stroller, it was a surprise gift from the neighbors.  It literally showed up in my yard, so I put it in my garage.  This was our first time using it.  It worked perfectly for an event like this, as we walked to one spot and stayed there and Damian was comfortable and Lilly had a home base with table to run back to and sit down in.  The thing was giant and doesn't turn easily or go up and down steps at all.  Also, we can't fit anything else in our trunk but this monstrosity.

Since I had kids and a stroller, we mostly stood far back and not in the lawn in front of the Capitol Building.  It was so packed, I couldn't get to close when I tried either.  The grass was soaking wet and got very very muddy by the end of the day as well.

There were speeches and there were cheers and there were lots of different signs.  I wish Lilly had a sign so people could ooh and ahh over how adorable she is and make me feel good.  I'm a mother that brought her daughter to an important event for her.  There were lots of well behaved dogs there, but Lilly is afraid of dogs, so she was constantly vigilant.  I didn't hear any of what was spoken or see much up close.  There were too many people and the speakers didn't reach that far back.  Mostly we just sat and people watched.  I didn't expect that to be what happened.  The sun came out and it was warm.  I nursed Damian without a cover and without worrying if I was making people uncomfortable.  He basked in the sunlight.  It was his first sunlight since he was born and he LOVED it.  He was full and warm and a gentle breeze was blowing through his baby hair and he just closed his eyes and was at peace.

At the end, a drunk college girl came up and had this conversation with me about Damian (then in his stroller), also it took me a second to realize she was drunk, or something was wrong.

Her:  Is this your baby?  He is adorable!  A "he", right?
Me:  Yes.
Her to Damian:  You are going to be a handsome man.  Or you can be a woman ,that's okay too!
Her to me:  What's it's name?

What's IT"S name?!  That's when I realized she was either drunk or using "it's" as a genderless term.  She also told Damian to vote for a woman president when he is 18 and told Lilly to never vote for Trump.  She smelled funny, like tobacco unsmoked, and was drooly.  I saw brown flecks coming out of her mouth (chew maybe?) and she wiped it off with the palm of her hand and then immediately touched my children.  Once she left, I wiped them all down. 

Besides her, there were all the different people there.  Some crazy hippies, lots of families with kids Lilly's age running around, lots of dad's watching and carrying the small babies, lots of grandmothers, lots of college kids, and a group of college goths walking around chanting:  What is it? It's Clit!  I don't get the message, but okay.

Then, to top off a wonderful day, we found a Nashville Hot Chicken place to eat at!!!  I didn't even know they made them outside of Nashville.  We would give it a 7 out of 10, where 10 is the Hot Chicken place in Antioch that I love.  There were pictures of the city up all over the resteraunt, and they weren't the typical tourist pics.  There was one that showed the expressway going towards downtown.  I showed Lilly the batman building and told her she was born in Nashville and showed her the spot on the road that I puked.  She loved it.

Well, I Tried

This morning I don't have much to say I guess.  Josh is home.  I'm eating my donut.  He found out my secret.  I buy 5 donuts.  One for him, one for Lilly, and 3 for me.  Okay, sometimes 2 for me and 2 for him.  When you buy the groceries you can get as many donuts as you want.

Today we are going to Lansing to march in the Woman's March for people who can't make it to DC.  I wish I could go to DC to march for this, but I have no money and a tiny baby.  Also, a big baby and a husband.  My hat I'm knitting for it is 2 inches short!  I'll totally finish it on time, then I just have to fold it in half and sew it up on the sides with yarn. Bam!  Pussy Hat.

I'm excited because Lilly and Damian are going.  In the future, as they grow up, we can tell them that they went to the march, and they can tell their kids, and so on.  I've always wished I knew more or was part of the activism of the 60's and 70's.

I wish I advocated and was an activist in my own life more too.  I guess starting at 30 yrs is better than not at all.  I'm still terrible at sticking up for myself.  I can do it with the doctor though.  It is my right for them to listen to me, I just have to go in with my points and questions written down, and I don't let them go or stop asking/talking until they pay attention and listen to me and have the conversation I want to have.  At times it's hard to do that, I once saw my Ob pull her thoughts and eyes in from what she was thinking about to actually stop and listen to me.  They WANT to have these conversations, they are required to, they are trained to but a busy life of people who don't push to have them gets the conversations pushed to the side.  But I learned if I don't stay on my toes and advocate for my own health, no one else will.

Protip:  Write your questions down, and when the nurse interviews you in the beginning, asking you your weight, taking your blood pressure, etc.  That is the time to list your concerns and conversation topics to the nurse.  She'll write them down and the doctor will look at that list and be sure to discuss them with you.